Sunday, March 31, 2013

Easter 2013

     I finally got to get away to Target alone yesterday morning. I had not bought my boys anything for their Easter baskets. So I finally was able to get away and shop. I knew I wanted to buy the boys swimsuits and beach towels (I am so looking forward to summer this year). I also wanted to grab a little candy for them.

      It was while I was in the holiday section that I got this feeling of Sterling. I can't explain it other than to say there are moments when I am somewhere I had been so often with him that I will have a flash of a memory of him and I there. I felt him so strongly in that moment. As I looked up I saw a lone little sippy cup sitting on the shelf. In that instant I knew.

     One of the last times I was at Target with Sterling he had seen some holiday sippy cups. He wanted them. So I of course bought some. He didn't like sippy cups though, he would only drink from a bottle. But he liked playing with that special cup. I kept telling him if he would drink from it I would buy more. He would just smile at me and take his bottle. Just writing this memory is making me smile, he was such a cute little stinker. I miss him so very much.

     Anyway. I called the PICU and asked if there were any little boys there aged 13 months to two years. There was a little 15 month old boy. So I asked if I could buy him a little Easter basket from Sterling. I could! So I added a little Mickey Mouse lovey (Sterling loved his lovies). And then I found a little giraffe spinning/popping ball toy (Sterling's favorite was his Sophie giraffe). I put it all together and drove over to the hospital and dropped it off.

     I never saw the little boy who got Sterling's gifts. I don't need to. I just so miss buying for Sterling. I know this will be something I do from time to time now. I hope the little boy enjoyed the gifts. I know Sterling lead me to do it. It helped make this holiday a little more enjoyable. Thank you sweet boy. Always and forever.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

My New Life

     I have this new life now. I go to the gym everyday. I have a personal trainer. I am working hard at losing weight and more importantly getting in shape. Its become my newest obsession. I feel so good after a workout. I don't need to take anxiety meds. I feel like I can do anything. I forget for a moment that I am not me anymore. I forget until it comes crashing down on me.

     I never forget Sterling. He is always on my mind. Always. But life feels good again. Until I am woken up in the morning crying hysterically from dreams of my baby hooked up to life support while I stand helpless to save him. It makes me want to just cocoon, retreat inside my bed, under the covers. It makes me want to just shut out the world.

     But I can't do that. I have kids coming that I need to care for, I have Sterling's brothers who need me to get them ready for school. I have a date with the gym. Somehow I manage to pull myself together and do all of it. All the while my heart is broken. My heart is wishing I could just hold Sterling again. Oh to just kiss those chubby cheeks and those full, baby lips again.

     And you know what comes floating from the ceiling during class? A little white feather. Just when I think I should give up. Just when I begin to tell myself that none of this matters. A little white feather comes floating down and I see it. I don't care what anyone thinks or where they think it came from. To me it is a sign from my sweet angel. He is wanting me to keep moving forward. Keep pushing.

     Then while being pushed by my personal trainer to do things I never thought I could do, it hits me. I never imagined on December 3, 2011 when I handed my baby over to a coroner and went home for the first time in 13 months without him, that I could survive a moment without him. I remember asking how I was going to live without him. I just knew there was no way I could. Slowly I have begun living again. Its not always easy. Its not the life I ever dreamed of but its my life now. The gym, working out, pushing myself. I got this. I can do it. I will do it. After all, the sweetest little angel has my back.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

The difference of a year......

     Everyone keeps posting these "A year ago I never would have imagined my life the way it is today" photos. It got me thinking. A year ago I really and truly wanted to die. I didn't have a plan. I didn't tell anyone (except my counselor) but I truly felt like my life was over. I wasn't eating. Was still not drinking that well. I cried often yet smiled for others. Everything I did hurt. Leaving my house brought anxiety unlike anything I have ever felt before.

     Inside I felt dead. Yet I still got up each day. Got my kids ready for school. Worked and loved on other people's kids. At night I would sit in the stillness and just beg and plead for God to let me go home with Sterling now. My kids deserved so much better than me. After all, I couldn't even keep their beloved baby brother alive. Getting up each day to the realization that Sterling really was never coming back was torture. Each day I was doing for others and just surviving.

     At this time last year I had a few dreams of Sterling. Those dreams were very healing. Painful but healing. In one dream Sterling was in in my arms. He would be smiling one minute and dead the next. I would take him to the best doctors. They would revive him and send us on our way, only to have him die in my arms again. Finally Sterling died and the doctor let me take him home. A little girl came up smiling at Sterling and I freaked thinking this little girl was going to see a dead baby. But she surprised me. She kept smiling and talking to him. I can't explain it but it was in that moment in this dream that I realized Sterling is not really dead. Death is an illusion. He is alive and well in ways I needed to better understand.

     I have not had many dreams of Sterling since that one. I feel like he had actually came to me to help me understand that I carry him with me always. I will see him again. Even in death he can still bring smiles to people's faces. I feel his presence in my dreams every once in a while now. I long to hold him in my dreams again, see his face, hear his laughter.  I know when the time is right he will show himself to me again.

     Today I am working on my health. Getting in shape. I have no desire to die like I did a year ago. I still want to be with Sterling but I take comfort in knowing that he is safe, he is happy and he is not feeling this pain that I feel. I still question so much but I know that if the doctors didn't see his defects in life there was no way I could have. I still carry some guilt as his mom for not being able to save him but I know his death wasn't my fault. Sterling has a legacy now. His story will educate others and hopefully save others from this pain.