November

     This is the only month I had two of with Sterling. Two full, glorious Novembers with the sweetest, most loving little boy in my arms. It should be my favorite month. But its also the month I feel I should've seen the signs my baby was dying. I still get lost in that. All the what if's and all the should haves. Some days I feel like I can't breath. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. Some days I feel like my children deserve better then me for a mom.

     I try. I really do. I want to focus on his life. I want to focus on the love and those beautiful brown eyes filled with love. I want to remember how happy he was, how happy we all were. I try to remember that. Some days it takes all my energy to do it. Other days I can't stop wondering when it was that I could've or should've done something differently and would he still be here? Would my baby be a full of life three year old today if I had just done something differently? And what is it that I should've done? Will I ever know?

     That threatens my sanity some days. All the research I have done and I still am not sure what could've been done differently. Or even if it had been done differently, would the outcome have changed? I still don't know. Five days away from the two year mark. Two years and I still don't really know what I could've done to save my baby's life. I hate every single thing about that last paragraph.

     So I keep getting up. Each day. I go and work out. I work. I think about Sterling. I talk about him. I try to parent his bubbas the best way I know how. I take time to learn new, better ways to help them. To help me. All the while thinking about my baby boy. All the while hoping I will get to see him again one day. I tell his story. I spread awareness.

     I do all of this with a heavy heart. Even if I can help save others. Even if I can figure out the precise moment when I should've known Sterling was so sick. Even if I figure out exactly what we should've done that would've saved his life. Even if...even if...even if....Sterling is never coming back to me, not the way my heart and arms long for. And that leaves me feeling sick.