I started out 2013 with a goal. I was going to work out and continue to better myself both physically and mentally for myself, for my children and to honor Sterling. I started out strong. Then had an injury that sidelined me for a little while. But I came back. Different but yet the same. The irony of that didn't escape me.
I can't say I didn't meet that goal of bettering myself. While I didn't lose the weight I had hoped I would, I also didn't gain and in fact did lose about half of my goal. My body changed though and I was able to go down a size. I would call all of that an achievement. I am physically stronger then I was last year at this time. I have made friends that I am so grateful for and strengthened friendships. I have let go of others and have done so, I believe, in a way that wasn't ugly. Which, I believe, strengthened my mental self.
So while 2013 was all about me. Putting my needs first or at the very least, on the list of priorities. I believe 2014 will be all about my boys again. Not that they were ever not on my list and most often first. But I believe that in order to help my family I needed to put my "oxygen mask" on first. And I firmly believe I did that. Now its time to put the "masks" on my boys.
In the very beginning I had asked for help with the boys. I had searched for grief counseling. Found one and she was great but even with a sliding fee scale it was still going to be about $150 a week! Not to mention between my work schedule and the boys school schedule, it was a lot to try to achieve. So I was given some books for me and for them. I was told that as long as I allowed them to talk freely about what happened and about their brother, they would be ok.
We do talk often and openly about Sterling. About his life and his death. Nothing is off limits. But they still struggle. They became used to seeing me cry. And it hurt them. They realized that when we talk about Sterling, sometimes Mommy cries. And they became the ones who tried to comfort me. I would see them look at me whenever I would talk about him. They were looking for my tears. And so they began really acting out. I see this now. Not to be naughty but because Mommy would then have to stop and would have to deal with them. Not to mention the lack of understanding from their schools. And a pattern emerged. One that I hope will be broken this year.
I am hopeful that I can help the boys. We have one great counselor and are adding a grief counselor whom the boys and I just love as well. I may even home school, or change schools for one or more of them who needs more positive interactions. I have lessened my daycare load. I have my workout routine set and am at a point where I can move things around there without losing what I've gained. (I believe working out is so beneficial to everyone but really for the grieving).
While 2013 had many moments where it may have seemed that our hope was lost, it never left us. Our family will continue to find ways to honor Sterling's memory. We will continue to learn to be the best we can be. I believe that is the biggest way to honor him. To truly live a life he would be proud of. To experience life not just for ourselves but for him as well. 2014 will be another year filled with hope.
*I have no way of knowing who reads this blog. How you found me. What you think? But would love if you could leave a comment or let me know. Thank you again so much for reading. I know I am not always an organized writer and this blog was just a way to let friends and family know how I am feeling and to get the grief up and out of me. But I thank you all for reading, even when it takes you out of your comfort zone. *
