What working out has done for me.......

     Have I told you all how much working out has helped in my healing? I'm fairly certain I have. I started just walking on the treadmill. I was up to 3 or more miles a day. Then January came along and I had to wait in line for the machines! Ugh!! No thank you! So I found Zumba!! Oh how I love Zumba!! The weight quickly started coming off and I felt wonderful! Something about the movement and the music and all the wonderful women whom I now call friends. I felt so close to Sterling while getting my Zumba on!

     Then I added a personal trainer. I would jokingly, but not really joking, call her my Jillian Michaels. She really whipped me into shape! When I would say "I can't", she would literally show me just how much I can! I got stronger and my body began changing. I began to see my anxiety slowly go away. I could do more physically and mentally.

     Just recently I added in a Body Combat class. In case any of you may wonder, I have some anger over Sterling's death. Anger toward myself for not seeing how sick he was, for not being able to save him. Anger towards doctors who are smart and know a lot but they don't know everything. And they certainly couldn't save my son. Anger toward a system that allowed certain people way too many rights when they deserved none. Anger that I can't protect all of my children from this excruciating pain.

     So let me tell you what we do in body combat! We literally visualize beating the crap out of a punching bag or a person. In my case I get to close my eyes and beat the crap out of all that I listed above! My counselor had told me early on in my grief that I needed to find an outlet for my anger. She said I was typically not an angry person and I needed to get a baseball bat and go beat the crap out of a tree or a sturdy wall. She said I should yell all the things I was angry about while hitting the bat on the tree. In combat I am considerate of others, so I don't yell out loud. But let me tell you, with each punch, each jab, each upper cut and downward brawl, I am visualizing all of the above and just going at it hard!

      It's been very healing. Its been awesome! I love this class. I can safely release the anger. I can safely think about how pissed off I am that my son died. I can safely think about how much I would love to grab whatever I am angry with and just beat it. It sounds weird when I write it out, but oh let me tell you it is aiding in my healing.

      So much so that I find myself actually at peace more often then not. I find myself thinking of Sterling with a smile. The tears are still there, I suspect they always will be, but they are softer now. It took a lot of effort for me to get here. I'm sure it will ebb and flow. But for now, for right now, the working out the way I do has given me strength. It's helped me find some peace. It's given me a voice when I felt like I had none. I highly recommend that those with a grieving heart fit working out into their schedules, its far better then any pill I could take.

Why Us? Why so much?

     This life of mine, well, its not always fun. Its not easy either. If living with the death of Sterling was our only obstacle, that would be enough. But it isn't. I have six children. All adopted. Each with their own history. Each with their own story of loss. Each with their own obstacles. All of us learning to live with the death of our youngest family member. Life can be hard. But its so worth it.

     I would love to tell you each of their stories. But they are young and its their story to tell, not mine. I will tell you I have always longed to be a mom. Always. And I can tell you that I believe their little souls were always meant to be my children no matter what bodies they were in. I can also tell you I have had many children pass through my home, I didn't feel this way toward all of them. And one last thing, with each one of my children, when we met for the first time, it felt as if we had known each other forever. It was something I can't quite explain. It made me believe in a higher power.

     But believing and more importantly knowing this deep within my soul, doesn't take away their histories. Doesn't take away some of the trauma they experienced before I was their mom. It doesn't take away their feelings of abandonment. My love for my children doesn't take away their learning issues or Autism or PTSD. But how I wish it did!

     Why am I writing about this on a blog about finding Hope without Sterling? Because for me, I wish I could shield my children from it all. I wish they didn't have pasts filled with trauma and loss before they met me. I wish they didn't know death and know what its like to see your baby brother die. I wish my children were on an even playing field with their peers. I hate having to admit they are not. It hurts me as their mom. It hurts.

     But I refuse to let it break them. I refuse to let them see themselves as anything other then the amazing little souls I see when I look at them. I refuse to let Autism, PTSD and the death of Sterling make us feel less. We are a family built by God. We are children of the one true King. My faith may have been shaken but I still believe there is a higher power guiding us. I look into my children's faces and I know. We may not understand why but we know we are loved. And with Love and Hope and Faith, anything is possible.

      One last little note. When I met each of my children for the first time they seemed to know me. So much so that one doctor asked if I had been around the birth mother during pregnancy because the way my newborn preferred my voice and would turn to it above all others, its not something that typically happens unless they had been exposed to my voice in utero. When I told the doctor I had just met this baby for the first time today and had never met the mother, he was stunned. That repeated with all my babies. And the ones that were a bit older, well they seemed to "come alive" once placed in my arms. Some therapists were left in awe. I, however, would just reply "the angels must have told him about me. So he was waiting."

       I share this in no way to lessen the loss of their birth families. I just believe that this was always the way it was meant to happen. Much like Sterling's death, I don't understand it but I feel like its the way it was always meant to be. Believing this doesn't make me any less hurt, nor does it make me miss Sterling any less. In many ways its just me processing the pain, processing the loss. I can't change it, anymore then my kids can change their histories. We just have to choose Hope. And we learn to live each day, enjoy each moment, become better people. The human spirit is an amazing thing.