This is where I am today.....

     My whole life I have felt like I didn't belong. I didn't want to be here. It was hard for me trying to fit into a world I always knew I wasn't made for. That is, until I became a mom. Suddenly I knew exactly why I was here. I won't say it was always easy, or that I never wanted to scream, running from the house. But I loved these little souls that had been brought into my life.

     Then Sterling died. Suddenly. He just stopped breathing and two days later I watched as the coroner took his body away. I suddenly felt pain unlike anything I had ever felt in my entire lifetime. All the things I used to occupy my mind worrying about seemed so unimportant now. I didn't know what to make of any of it. I desperately wanted to join him but knew I couldn't, not yet. But what could I do to manage this pain? I needed to manage this somehow.

     So I joined the Y. Not knowing how or why but I drove my boys to our local Y and joined. Every single day we would drive to the Y where they could play and I would walk. Ear buds in, sometimes the sweat would hide the tears. I would walk and wonder how in the hell this became my life? I needed my baby, not some stupid work out routine. But every single day we would come back and do it again.

     My kids started making friends. I started getting complimented on how well I looked. We somehow managed to make it through that first year. With a lot of hard work and determination, we survived an entire year without Sterling. I began wondering what else I could do. So I joined a Zumba class and I began making friends. I began having fun while working out. And I noticed I didn't need the anxiety pills anymore. I noticed I could go out and I wasn't in a panic. I began to live again.

      I added a personal trainer. I was sure I wasn't going to make it. But I felt like I had nothing left to lose and everything to gain. I felt I owed it to Sterling to become a better person, to carry him in my heart as long as I possibly could. In order to do that, I needed to live a long, healthy life. So I added on some new classes. I tried to push my physical limits just as hard as my spiritual ones had been.

     I began seeing the biggest changes in me then, and before I knew it we were at the second year mark. Two years without Sterling. We had not only survived but had slowly began thriving.

     We are now halfway through the third year without Sterling. I won't say its been easy. I won't say its getting easier. I still wake up every single morning missing him. I still think about him every single day. I still go to bed missing him. Some nights tears will still stain my pillow.

     I remember being told it will get easier. Its not true. I just had to decide what I wanted for my life and for the lives of my children. I don't think any of this has ever been easy or gotten easier. I think I have gotten tougher. I think pushing my physical body to limits I had never pushed before and not only doing it, but surviving it! I think watching my body get stronger has been amazing for my soul.

     This life is not easy. I am not going to ever understand why Sterling isn't here to grow up with his bubbas. I will never understand why such pain and suffering exist for some and not all or why it exists at all. But I can tuck Sterling safely in my heart and together he and I can accomplish things I never knew possible.