We made it through another year. We lived more. We loved more. We learned more. We healed a little more. All the while missing our sweet boy and wondering who he would be today.
In 2014 Sterling took me to the senator of my state's office so I could tell his story. So I could show his picture and let them know that Sterling lived. He was loved. He is loved. I got to tell them how his life and death has impacted our lives. It was such an emotional thing to do. Definitely one of the highlights of my year. Sterling's story was one of many shared over the year to encourage more funding for research. And we got it.
2014 found me working out hard. I mean almost every single day. Several hours a day. I added classes that pushed me harder then I had ever been pushed. I didn't always feel like I fit in these classes. I still don't feel like I always fit in these classes. But I keep going anyway. It quiets my mind for a few hours. I'm being pushed so hard I don't have time to think about life. I don't have time to feel the sadness. And I have met some wonderful people who support and encourage my fitness goals. Working out really has become something I cannot live without.
2014 also saw huge growth in the bubbas. Both physically and emotionally. They have worked hard to understand things many adults never have to deal with. I am so very proud of them. I know Sterling would be so proud of them as well. They still talk about him all the time. Not in an obsessive way, in a way that makes it clear that they remember and love him.
My hope is that 2015 will be a continuation of the growth our family accomplished last year. I am excited to see where Sterling takes us. I am excited to see my boys continue to grow. I am learning to embrace change and to allow more people in to our lives.
In December of 2011 when I was gathering Sterling's things from the hospital and preparing to go back home without him, I remember saying to my sister that there was no way I could do this. I asked her how I was supposed to live without my baby in my arms. I told her I couldn't do it. She and the nurses told me I would take it minute to minute. Focus on breathing. They said then I would go 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour, several hours, then before I knew it I would be going days and weeks and months.
I didn't believe them then. I didn't believe that living was possible. Thriving was completely out of the question. There was no way I could go on while in such pain.
But they were right. The pain is just a part of me now. It doesn't control me. I miss Sterling just as much today as ever. I always wonder who he would be, who we would be had he lived. But we are living. Each day. We live. We love. We learn. And before we know it another year is over, a new one is beginning. This is life, it goes on, even when we don't want it to. I'm learning to be thankful for this.
Sterling is an amazing 13 month old who stopped breathing during his nap as a result of multiple congenital heart defects that had gone undiagnosed. Life as I knew it was over. The pain excrutiating. I often felt like I had died that day too. Slowly I began to see the gifts of Sterling. Follow me as my boys and I find new purpose in our lives. Watch as Sterling continues to do amazing things through each one of us. Always and Forever sweet boy.
