Healing....always

     I have had one of the busiest months ever. I have felt like maybe I was drowning more then a few times. But I have made some wonderful friends in the last three years and with their support and encouragement, I have felt like I can do this. I am so grateful for them.

     I went to a celebration of life 10 years later (10 years after his son's death at age 13). I wasn't sure what it would be like. I have to tell you, it was beautiful. And it reminded me of when I first met this man, the father to this boy. It was three months after Sterling had died. I was looking for someone, anyone to come along with a magic wand and tap me on my head and take away the excruciating pain I was feeling every moment of every day. I was desperate to hear some special words or something, anything to "cure" me.

     I learned that day that there aren't any special words or wands or anything anyone else can do to take this pain from me. This pain was a result of the deep love I had and continue to have for my son. It was necessary. And I had to feel it, all of it, if I wanted to heal.

     I will never forget his mom that day telling him to please take me under his wing because I was hurting so much and I needed his help to learn to heal. He told her and I that "this one, she has what it takes, she is going to be ok. She is going to make it." I thought he might be a little crazy. I still literally felt gutted and in physical and emotional pain. I was still secretly pleading with God to just be God and give me my son back, raise him from the dead. Turn back time. Something. Anything. Or please just let me die. And here was this man who was giving a seminar about grief and healing, telling me I was going to be ok but not really giving me step by step instructions on how I should do that.

     Fast forward 3 years. I am the healthiest I have been in my adult life. I have so many wonderful, supportive friends in my life who encourage me daily to be the best me I can be. I still ache for Sterling but I am able to live again, to find joy. And I am leaving tomorrow to go to Washington D.C. to share our story with legislators to let them know how important research and data collection are.

     I still have pain in the longing for my baby. I still question why us at times. I still have moments when I am sure outsiders may want to strangle me because my moods are all over the place. But I am healing. Every single day I am choosing to heal. And I believe, that is the secret. Choosing to forgive others for actions that may have contributed to his death. Choosing to go to the gym when I would rather not because I know how good I will feel when I am done. Choosing to share his story and pictures of him, even when some of those memories are painful. Because it may help others. It is all a piece to the healing puzzle.

     So tonight as I tucked my boys in and tears fell from their eyes, I know going is a good thing.  For all of us. It is a part of our journey. A journey I never thought I would live. But one I am going to embrace. We will all be ok, better then ok. And Sterling would be so proud.