2016

    Where do I begin...2016...you started out just like every new year full of promise. My little family was just beginning to feel comfortable in our skin again. Things beginning to look like they were falling into place. Even old relationships were being mended. And then just like that, you started pulling on that rug I was beginning to trust again. You know, the one you ripped so suddenly, so violently out from under me when Sterling died? I was just beginning to trust it again.
 
     I guess I should thank you for not ripping so violently this time. No. This time you started back in Spring with a little tug, made me lose my balance a little. But you let me regain my footing and stand on it with even more purpose then before. A "little' blip on the map of life, we survived and recovered quite quickly. If I really look back, I would say too quickly. It wasn't quite the same but I so desperately needed it to be. I overlooked issues building, smoldering, preparing to explode.

     I needed to feel that safety of the firm footing on that rug. I clung to it really. I am a fighter and I keep looking for ways to fix things, people, everything. I don't believe in giving up on my children or on other people or projects. I will try everything I can think of to make it "right." Even if it means I  sacrifice myself in the process.

     Then Fall came. Back to school. Transitions. Sterling's birthday. The possibility of losing our precious foster baby. That rug started feeling a bit shaky. But still I try. New medications. IEP's at school for a few of my kids. Anything. Everything. We must be "normal" or at least appear to be. No one can see we are barely able to stand on that rug we cling to for stability.

     Things begin to calm. But I should've known. That false sense of security, just like the calm before the storm. And just like that, EXPLOSION. Where is that rug? I can't find it. But I MUST keep my family together, at all costs. Thats what family does, they stick together. Always. Even as my 12 year old punched me in the side of the head. Even as he had my hair in his fists, violently yanking, pulling as the screams of pain came from my mouth. Even as I am looking at his eyes, once so full of love, now full of something I can't describe, now void of anything I once knew. Even as I'm swollen and sore and scared wondering what is happening to my boy, there has to be a reason. Something we can fix.

     We try to fix it. With hospital stays and medication changes. We miss him. He misses us. He comes home. Only to turn around just days later, in the midst of the 3 worst dates of my life, the days Sterling died. He was doing so well. So well. And in an instant he took off running. Breaking things and hitting those of us trying to help him. Back to the hospital we go. This time broken in so many ways. That rug is gone, I fear it might be gone for good this time. December is not our friend. December now holds so much loss and pain.

     When he came home this time he lasted not even 24 hours before losing it again. It was in my panic running after him watching as he headed for a major road with traffic that I knew. I knew without a doubt this isn't ok. I cannot do this. I could not keep Sterling safe, or alive because of things going on in his body that I couldn't see. But this child? This child's needs are right in front of my face. And if I choose to ignore, I may end up responsible for his death. I would never survive that, I barely survived Sterling's. In that moment when the police showed up and my son was safe, I hoped into the back of the squad car to give him information and instead the sobs came so deep I couldn't speak. Our lives are never going to be the same.

     But one thing I clung so deeply to after Sterling's death is that our lives can be different. Different doesn't have to mean better or worse, its just different. I am so tired of making plans with my children only to have life laugh at me and make it something different. This life, with a dead child and a child with developmental disabilities is not what I ever, ever, imagined for myself. But I am a fighter. I will grieve what is lost and I will find the joy again one day. I promise I will.

I have never shared pictures publicly on here of Sterling or my boys and I. I guest blogged today over on the Pediatric Congenital Heart Association's page. And I shared some pictures.  Head on over and check it out:  conqueringchd.org/hope/

   

2016

     On January 2, 2013 I wrote the following as my status on Facebook:

            13 months ago today my life stopped in an instant. Hopes and dreams were shattered. My life lived in an altered state for months. It's strange for me, but when I think back to December 1-3, 2011 its almost like I see myself in a movie, like I was out of my body, a witness to not just Sterling's death but my own. I have had an amazing 2012 filled with immense pain and some life experiences that brought me peace and some joy. I have begun to truly heal and to find hope again for the future. The knowledge of just how fragile life truly is at times both frightens and amazes me. I am looking forward to 2013. I have hope that Sterling's Bubbas and I will continue to find purpose and with it, healing. Always and forever <3

     And now here it is 2016. We celebrated what would have been Sterling's 5th birthday in October. We survived the 4 year mark of his death. How has it been 4 years?? I have done so much in his name yet I feel like I should be doing so much more. The waves that used to come crashing over me, taking me under with them on a daily, sometimes hourly basis....they aren't so frequent anymore.

     Today I feel this urgency inside me. What else can I be doing in his name? What else should I be doing? It is more then wanting to keep his memory alive, which I so desperately want to. Its more about being a part of a change I feel coming. More about being a part of something bigger. Because the things I do today are less and less about me and more and more about a bigger picture.

     Our family welcomed a baby boy into our home last summer. We have no idea how long he will stay with us. It really wasn't a hard choice to make when listened to our hearts. But our heads, they took some convincing. What if we really fall in love with him, like we did with Sterling? What if we then have to hand him back to his birth family? Will we be able to survive another loss? Is it something we want to do?

     The answer was there, whispered by Sterling. Would we have said no to loving him had we known the immense pain we would endure just 13 1/2 months later? Absolutely not! We would do it again and again. We are better knowing and loving Sterling then never knowing him at all. We will be better for opening our hearts to this little one as well, no matter what the outcome may be.

     But that also brings me back to this feeling deep within me. I have lost myself in parenting and fostering before. Gained a lot of weight. Didn't take care of myself because I was so consumed with taking care of everyone else. I refuse to let that happen again. Its not been easy but I have continued working out. I have continued Sterling's Heart Loveys. I have continued working to help bring awareness for CHD. And I plan to do more. I need to do more.

      I'm not sure what 2016 holds for me or my boys. But I am beyond grateful I am here today to find out.