2016

     On January 2, 2013 I wrote the following as my status on Facebook:

            13 months ago today my life stopped in an instant. Hopes and dreams were shattered. My life lived in an altered state for months. It's strange for me, but when I think back to December 1-3, 2011 its almost like I see myself in a movie, like I was out of my body, a witness to not just Sterling's death but my own. I have had an amazing 2012 filled with immense pain and some life experiences that brought me peace and some joy. I have begun to truly heal and to find hope again for the future. The knowledge of just how fragile life truly is at times both frightens and amazes me. I am looking forward to 2013. I have hope that Sterling's Bubbas and I will continue to find purpose and with it, healing. Always and forever <3

     And now here it is 2016. We celebrated what would have been Sterling's 5th birthday in October. We survived the 4 year mark of his death. How has it been 4 years?? I have done so much in his name yet I feel like I should be doing so much more. The waves that used to come crashing over me, taking me under with them on a daily, sometimes hourly basis....they aren't so frequent anymore.

     Today I feel this urgency inside me. What else can I be doing in his name? What else should I be doing? It is more then wanting to keep his memory alive, which I so desperately want to. Its more about being a part of a change I feel coming. More about being a part of something bigger. Because the things I do today are less and less about me and more and more about a bigger picture.

     Our family welcomed a baby boy into our home last summer. We have no idea how long he will stay with us. It really wasn't a hard choice to make when listened to our hearts. But our heads, they took some convincing. What if we really fall in love with him, like we did with Sterling? What if we then have to hand him back to his birth family? Will we be able to survive another loss? Is it something we want to do?

     The answer was there, whispered by Sterling. Would we have said no to loving him had we known the immense pain we would endure just 13 1/2 months later? Absolutely not! We would do it again and again. We are better knowing and loving Sterling then never knowing him at all. We will be better for opening our hearts to this little one as well, no matter what the outcome may be.

     But that also brings me back to this feeling deep within me. I have lost myself in parenting and fostering before. Gained a lot of weight. Didn't take care of myself because I was so consumed with taking care of everyone else. I refuse to let that happen again. Its not been easy but I have continued working out. I have continued Sterling's Heart Loveys. I have continued working to help bring awareness for CHD. And I plan to do more. I need to do more.

      I'm not sure what 2016 holds for me or my boys. But I am beyond grateful I am here today to find out.