Friday, October 13, 2017

     I woke up this morning whispering, "Happy Birthday Sterling, I love and miss you so much..." And then I came downstairs and started my day. With five boys, several of whom have special needs, my day begins immediately and with energy and a bit of orchestrated chaos. But today everyone had a little more edge to them. I began to ask if they knew what today was, a few knew and a few were clueless. Though I feel like, based off their behavior, their bodies remembered and knew.

     I got the two biggest boys off to school as another toddler was added to the mix for the day. I'm homeschooling the two little boys while also trying to keep two toddlers entertained and safe. So we joined a home school co-op today. We had to be ready and packed up and out the door early to drive into the city (45 minutes away) to ice skate with new friends. One of my boys has anxiety so not being able to give him details and show him ahead of time what was happening made for an intense morning and a few near meltdowns. I drove off at 8:45 am, exhausted.

     The boys were quiet and I got to have some quiet reflection as I drove. The sky was beautiful and I again whispered, "I wish you were here sweet boy...."

     The boys had fun. The toddlers fought and screamed and tossed Cheerios for the adults to pick up. I learned that not everyone home schools the same and our kids will be ok. My kids made friends and we can't wait to meet up with them again.

     As our work day ended, we ate dinner and then ran to the store to pick up a cake and ice cream for Sterling. I've done this for six years now, buying a cake for a child who wouldn't be here to blow out the candles. But this year as I walked in, I wanted to feel and remember it. I wanted to try to explain it to you, so here goes....

     I can hear everything as I walk in...and my mind goes to when I used to shop with my little buddy...its so strange, I can still feel him in my arms...the weight, the smells all his own....I see the people and the parents with children and I wonder if they have ever had to make funeral arrangements for their most amazing child....I walk up to the bakery and I instantly regret being so busy this week and not preordering a cake...but we find one that works...she asks what I want her to write on it...I discuss with my 10 year old...we decide to write it as though he was here...we don't tell anyone he isn't this trip...we just don't have the energy to....we walk out to the cash register and I look down at the writing "Happy 7th Birthday Sterling" and I remind myself not to cry here...I look around and wonder if the world knows that the most amazing Zen baby never got to become the most amazing 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and now 7 year old....do they know how my heart longs to touch his face again? How I would give anything to kiss those cheeks again? Do they care?

     We go home and light a #7 candle. We sing. We collectively blow out the candle, its so quiet for a celebration, but yet there is joy.  We picked out a toy we thought a 7 year old boy might like and we will find the right recipient soon. We played a game. Got ready for bed. And now that the house is quiet, I sit, remembering. Longing. Holding onto hope.

     Our family has had a rough year, big changes are still ahead. And I am exhausted most days. But I am grateful. Grateful for Sterling. Grateful for Gia and Jaxon and Jayden and Sawyer and Silas and for Mr Toddler who we still don't know what the future holds for him, but we are choosing to enjoy whatever time we have with him. I'm going to bed still missing my baby, I think I always will. And that is ok.

     Happy Birthday Sterling. You are loved and you are missed, always and forever. I wish more then anything I could know a 7 year old you.

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