Today Sterling would be nine years old. It’s hard to say it out loud. It’s hard to write it. It’s hard to think about him being nine. He is forever that round, chubby, Zen baby. He never got to test the waters and make me angry or disappointed. He never got to try sports out until he found his favorite. Hell, he never even took a few unassisted steps. For his entire life he was attached to me, holding onto me while I held just as tightly onto him.
It’s been a rough few years now. Maybe you’ve noticed by my lack of writing. My mom’s dementia worsened quickly and she is now in a nursing home. I feel tremendous guilt in that. I know she wanted to remain home until she died, surrounded by her grandkids. But she was getting up all night, trying to leave. The incontinence was a constant struggle for me to keep the house clean. And when she began thinking I was someone else, and trying to attack me, I had no choice but to place her where there was staff to attend to her needs.
Then there’s Jayden. Autism, mental health and puberty haven’t been a great mix. And it’s gotten rough, really rough. I’m struggling to maintain work and life with him home. But there just aren’t places willing to accept him. We have had hope, only to have it dashed multiple times. But we are on waiting lists, and I remain hopeful that this hell won’t last forever. In the meantime, I take it moment by moment.
But today I woke up, a little emotional, but ready for the day. We shoe shopped, had a quick lunch and went to pick out his cake. I get emotional when I pick out his cake. I wonder what his favorite flavor would be? What would he want decorated on top? When they ask me what I want the cake to say, I always pause, what should it say? I honestly thought today it should say, “FUCK YOU CHD! Sterling should be 9 today, but you stole that from us!” But there’s just not enough room, and I don’t want it to be more awkward then it already is. And so I say “Happy Birthday Sterling” is fine. And we come home.
Today after singing to him and while eating cake, I played his video. The one that shows most of his life in less then 5 minutes. The boys and I start out smiling. “I remember that” comes next. And then the tears. Followed by a howling cry from one his bubbas, which made me sob uncontrollably. Baby asked us if we were ok. We told him we just miss Sterling so much that it hurts. Crying is ok when you miss someone this much. We spent the rest of the day quietly at home.
In December it will be 8 years since we last held him in our arms. But there’s not a day that goes by that we don’t hold him in our hearts. He is forever a part of us, and we with him.
Happy Birthday Sterling, you are loved and you are missed, always and forever💙🦒
Sterling is an amazing 13 month old who stopped breathing during his nap as a result of multiple congenital heart defects that had gone undiagnosed. Life as I knew it was over. The pain excrutiating. I often felt like I had died that day too. Slowly I began to see the gifts of Sterling. Follow me as my boys and I find new purpose in our lives. Watch as Sterling continues to do amazing things through each one of us. Always and Forever sweet boy.
