I'm sure I've written about my issues with control before. I really felt like I could control so much before Sterling died. I fed him (and my other boys) organic food. I bought the safest minivan and put my kids in the best car safety seats. Sterling was still rear facing even after he turned one and that was when they were just starting to recommend that. I bought them clothes that looked a certain way. I guess I felt if I did it all the "right' way, then my boys would be safe and healthy and happy.
When Sterling was in the PICU and we were trying to figure out what happened to him, when I was in complete shock, I remember repeating over and over again how I fed him organic food, I bought the best car seat, how I never laid him down, why did I lay him down this afternoon?? I was assured over and over again whatever happened to Sterling was not in my control. But I was sure it was. Clearly I did something wrong to cause this.
Months and months of counseling and an eventual diagnosis of CHD's would tell me I was in no way responsible for Sterling's death. But I still struggled, I still struggle today from time to time. I used to think I had far more control over my life and the lives of my children. I still struggle with it. Which is why today, when I had planned such a nice little celebration for Sterling's fourth birthday, and the weather wouldn't cooperate, I was so upset.
It was my friend who told me I couldn't control it. I can't control the weather anymore then I could control that monster in Sterling's chest. That ticking time bomb just waiting to turn our lives upside down. She even said today was probably Sterling saying "when are you going to get it Mom?" It clicked again. When am I going to get it? Life is full of what ifs and if onlys.
I was starting to feel so responsible for Sterling's death again. So guilty for not seeing the signs I know had to be there. So guilty for not having more control over it all. But this rain today that ruined our plans for his birthday, I could not control it either. And while today was not at all what I had envisioned, it was ok. We still celebrated Sterling with a few friends who knew him in life. Several friends messaged me letting me know they were thinking of him and us.
I'm starting to really get it baby boy. My head and my heart. It's not ok for me to feel like I had any control in your death. If I did, you would still be here. I love and miss you sweet boy. Always and forever.
Sterling is an amazing 13 month old who stopped breathing during his nap as a result of multiple congenital heart defects that had gone undiagnosed. Life as I knew it was over. The pain excrutiating. I often felt like I had died that day too. Slowly I began to see the gifts of Sterling. Follow me as my boys and I find new purpose in our lives. Watch as Sterling continues to do amazing things through each one of us. Always and Forever sweet boy.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
So grateful for the time we had.......
This is the weekend before Sterling's 4th birthday on Monday. This is also the weekend that three of the bubbas get to go to Camp Erin. We have been excited for this to come. It will be so good for them to be around kids who know grief like they do. Where they can share Sterling without the awkward silence that comes when they tell kids that Sterling died. They are going to get to do several activities aimed at helping them heal. They also will spend two nights away from home. The only other time they have spent two nights away from me is when Sterling stopped breathing and I was in the PICU with him.
Driving in to drop off for camp there were tears. There were lots of "but Mommy, I need to sleep where you do! Can't you just come at night and sleep with us?" I kept telling them that they were going to have so much fun, they weren't going to have time to miss me. Saying goodbye and walking out that door was hard, FOR ME! They were excited and already making friends. I came home alone. With a lot of time to think. I also had several friends texting and calling asking how I was doing.
I'm sad. I have had some quiet time to think and I just feel sad. Sad that Sterling isn't here. Sad that my boys even have a reason to attend this camp. Sad that there are so many kids attending this camp because someone they love dearly has died. But so grateful it exists for them. So grateful.
Life is all about love and loss and finding our way through it all. I believe that the bubbas and I have worked hard at finding a purpose and living again. Its not easy. It can be exhausting at times. Moments when I just want to shout to the injustice of our precious boy not here to grow up with his bubbas. And I do shout it. ITS NOT FAIR!!!! He was so loved, so wanted, so adored!! We miss him. The missing is the part that never goes away.
I've talked so much about his death, the excruciating pain that we felt in the days and months after his death. Today I want to share his life with all of you. He had an amazing 13 months 2 weeks and 6 days. He truly did. He never knew anything but unconditional love. He never had his heart broken. He was never reprimanded. He only knew loving arms and loving smiles.
Sterling had begun saying several words in the last months of his life. His favorites were "Mommmmm" with the emphasis on the last mmmmm sound. Oh how I miss hearing that whenever I would leave a room. And the boom, boom, boom, of his crawl as he powered crawled to wherever I was. He loved watching his brothers play and called them "bubbas" he would also say "baba" for bottle and sometimes these would be confused by me. He would never turn down a bottle though, so all was good! He loved his food! He had just learned how to say one of his bubbas names. They joy that brought my oldest son! "He said MY name first!" The other boys were then on a mission to teach Sterling to say their names as well. He adored that attention! He was sooooo close to taking his first, unassisted steps. he would cruise the furniture like a pro though.
On this day three years ago we went into Chicago to the airport. The boys loved watching the planes take off and land. Sterling was in my arms when a huge plane flew right over our heads as it was landing. Sterling startled at first and then said "Whoaaaaaa" as he pointed to the plane and snuggled into my chest. If you ever watched Blossom and remember Joey's "Whoaaa" that's how Sterling did it. We had so much fun. He was becoming a little boy. He was so brave, so friendly, just as long as he was in my arms.
Sterling was loved in life. He is loved in death. Sterling will be missed and loved and talked about always. We can be sad he isn't here. We can remember his life. But we will never pretend that its ok that he died. We can come to terms with him not being here. We can live again. We can, and have, made new lives for ourselves. But we will never pretend that we are ok with him not being here. Ever. That means we will have sad days. We will have joyful days. We are healing. I think we will be healing for the rest of our lives.
When you love someone so much, that love doesn't ever go away. It changes over time, but it never goes away. When someone you love dies, that love grows and changes as well.
I still can't believe that 4 years ago this beautiful little soul made his entrance into this world. I can't believe its almost been 3 years that he left it. Always and forever sweet boy.
Driving in to drop off for camp there were tears. There were lots of "but Mommy, I need to sleep where you do! Can't you just come at night and sleep with us?" I kept telling them that they were going to have so much fun, they weren't going to have time to miss me. Saying goodbye and walking out that door was hard, FOR ME! They were excited and already making friends. I came home alone. With a lot of time to think. I also had several friends texting and calling asking how I was doing.
I'm sad. I have had some quiet time to think and I just feel sad. Sad that Sterling isn't here. Sad that my boys even have a reason to attend this camp. Sad that there are so many kids attending this camp because someone they love dearly has died. But so grateful it exists for them. So grateful.
Life is all about love and loss and finding our way through it all. I believe that the bubbas and I have worked hard at finding a purpose and living again. Its not easy. It can be exhausting at times. Moments when I just want to shout to the injustice of our precious boy not here to grow up with his bubbas. And I do shout it. ITS NOT FAIR!!!! He was so loved, so wanted, so adored!! We miss him. The missing is the part that never goes away.
I've talked so much about his death, the excruciating pain that we felt in the days and months after his death. Today I want to share his life with all of you. He had an amazing 13 months 2 weeks and 6 days. He truly did. He never knew anything but unconditional love. He never had his heart broken. He was never reprimanded. He only knew loving arms and loving smiles.
Sterling had begun saying several words in the last months of his life. His favorites were "Mommmmm" with the emphasis on the last mmmmm sound. Oh how I miss hearing that whenever I would leave a room. And the boom, boom, boom, of his crawl as he powered crawled to wherever I was. He loved watching his brothers play and called them "bubbas" he would also say "baba" for bottle and sometimes these would be confused by me. He would never turn down a bottle though, so all was good! He loved his food! He had just learned how to say one of his bubbas names. They joy that brought my oldest son! "He said MY name first!" The other boys were then on a mission to teach Sterling to say their names as well. He adored that attention! He was sooooo close to taking his first, unassisted steps. he would cruise the furniture like a pro though.
On this day three years ago we went into Chicago to the airport. The boys loved watching the planes take off and land. Sterling was in my arms when a huge plane flew right over our heads as it was landing. Sterling startled at first and then said "Whoaaaaaa" as he pointed to the plane and snuggled into my chest. If you ever watched Blossom and remember Joey's "Whoaaa" that's how Sterling did it. We had so much fun. He was becoming a little boy. He was so brave, so friendly, just as long as he was in my arms.
Sterling was loved in life. He is loved in death. Sterling will be missed and loved and talked about always. We can be sad he isn't here. We can remember his life. But we will never pretend that its ok that he died. We can come to terms with him not being here. We can live again. We can, and have, made new lives for ourselves. But we will never pretend that we are ok with him not being here. Ever. That means we will have sad days. We will have joyful days. We are healing. I think we will be healing for the rest of our lives.
When you love someone so much, that love doesn't ever go away. It changes over time, but it never goes away. When someone you love dies, that love grows and changes as well.
I still can't believe that 4 years ago this beautiful little soul made his entrance into this world. I can't believe its almost been 3 years that he left it. Always and forever sweet boy.
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