Control

     I'm sure I've written about my issues with control before. I really felt like I could control so much before Sterling died. I fed him (and my other boys) organic food. I bought the safest minivan and put my kids in the best car safety seats. Sterling was still rear facing even after he turned one and that was when they were just starting to recommend that. I bought them clothes that looked a certain way. I guess I felt if I did it all the "right' way, then my boys would be safe and healthy and happy.

      When Sterling was in the PICU and we were trying to figure out what happened to him, when I was in complete shock, I remember repeating over and over again how I fed him organic food, I bought the best car seat, how I never laid him down, why did I lay him down this afternoon?? I was assured over and over again whatever happened to Sterling was not in my control. But I was sure it was. Clearly I did something wrong to cause this.

     Months and months of counseling and an eventual diagnosis of CHD's would tell me I was in no way responsible for Sterling's death. But I still struggled, I still struggle today from time to time. I used to think I had far more control over my life and the lives of my children. I still struggle with it. Which is why today, when I had planned such a nice little celebration for Sterling's fourth birthday, and the weather wouldn't cooperate, I was so upset.

     It was my friend who told me I couldn't control it. I can't control the weather anymore then I could control that monster in Sterling's chest. That ticking time bomb just waiting to turn our lives upside down. She even said today was probably Sterling saying "when are you going to get it Mom?" It clicked again. When am I going to get it? Life is full of what ifs and if onlys.

     I was starting to feel so responsible for Sterling's death again. So guilty for not seeing the signs I know had to be there. So guilty for not having more control over it all. But this rain today that ruined our plans for his birthday, I could not control it either. And while today was not at all what I had envisioned, it was ok. We still celebrated Sterling with a few friends who knew him in life. Several friends messaged me letting me know they were thinking of him and us.

     I'm starting to really get it baby boy. My head and my heart. It's not ok for me to feel like I had any control in your death. If I did, you would still be here. I love and miss you sweet boy. Always and forever.