Fear

     "Fear in an emotion induced by a threat perceived by living entities, which causes a change in brain and organ function and ultimately a change in behavior, such as running away, hiding or freezing from traumatic events. " All my life I have let fear dictate.

     I used to have a dream of working on a set. I loved the creativity of being on a set. All the people running around. The way the scenes were set up and filmed. The way it was all edited to create a movie. A movie that could bring people to tears or induce laughter, maybe even jump in fear. I wanted so much to be a part of that creativity. I didn't care about being on camera or any sort of attention, I just loved the art of it.

     I also have a confession to make, I have been a member of a gym, off and on, since I was 13 years old. I loved being able to lift heavier then most of the people in the room. I loved the way I felt during and especially after a good workout. But I never stuck with it. Why?

     Fear. Fear of failure kept me from my dreams of working on a set. Fear kept me from the college of my dreams that would have helped get me to a creative career I dreamed of. Fear also would take me out of the gym. I was afraid of what other people would say about me. Afraid they would tell me I didn't belong there because I didn't look the part.

     Fear of rejection or failure has kept me from doing the things in life that brought me the most joy. I was never able to find a mentor in either area of my dreams who would give me a boost of support when I needed it. And so I gave up. And I gained weight.

     Then Sterling died. And I felt for a while that I had nothing left to lose. For a moment in time, the fear was so profound, it kind of stopped meaning much to me. I was numb. And so I just began doing whatever I wanted to do. With phenomenal outcomes. But then I started getting comfortable again. And the fear slowly has begun creeping back.

     I find myself going back into old habits. Doing things I really don't want to do because it feels "safe" and the fear of failing at anything else is so debilitating that I just would rather stay home and hide away from life. So I became very scheduled again. And comfortable in the routine.  Until that routine began to be taken from me by things I had no control over.

     So I have decided that fear cannot rule me. Not like this anymore. Life is so short.  A gift from Sterling was seeing this. The way he used to smile and really just the joy in his eyes. The way he would grab me and kiss me and hug me. That is how life should be lived. Find the joy in the everyday. Grab life and just love it! Flaws and all!

     So I am going to be doing things that may not make everyone very happy with me. But I only have this one life and I already have spent so much of it living in fear, being "safe" and the worst thing still happened. Its time to see what I can do in the time I have left. Life is too short to keep looking back with regret.

1,230 Days into this grief thing....

     Failure. What does it mean?

 "Failure is the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success."

     But what does it mean to me? I wish I knew. Because most days I feel like I'm failing. Failing in my fitness. Failing in my career. Failing my children. Some days I just feel like I am failing at life in general.

     I don't know what is going on with me right now. I just want to give up. It's hard trying to succeed when it feels like I am working against something all the time. My heart is healing, it is. But I just have moments when the grief comes crashing back to me. At this stage, it feels like it comes back even harder then before.

     Is it really though? Or is it just that most days I feel so good so when the grief wave comes crashing into me, it feels like it came from nowhere? I haven't been anticipating the waves anymore. So maybe the waves aren't any stronger, but I have my back to them now, and I don't see them coming. So they crash into me and knock me over.

     I have also been so busy lately. And there have been births and deaths and those things bring up so much for me. I have also put my faith in people to be there for me, only to be left feeling more alone then before. I keep telling myself life is worth it. These ups and downs are just a part of life. Don't take it so personally. But I can't help it.

     This up and down and competitiveness that seems to be such a part of life, I hate it. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me long for "something else" even when I don't really know what that "something else" is. I know true joy can only be found within. I will get back there. I know I will. Its just been really hard lately. And I feel like I am failing and am so alone in it.