1,230 Days into this grief thing....

     Failure. What does it mean?

 "Failure is the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success."

     But what does it mean to me? I wish I knew. Because most days I feel like I'm failing. Failing in my fitness. Failing in my career. Failing my children. Some days I just feel like I am failing at life in general.

     I don't know what is going on with me right now. I just want to give up. It's hard trying to succeed when it feels like I am working against something all the time. My heart is healing, it is. But I just have moments when the grief comes crashing back to me. At this stage, it feels like it comes back even harder then before.

     Is it really though? Or is it just that most days I feel so good so when the grief wave comes crashing into me, it feels like it came from nowhere? I haven't been anticipating the waves anymore. So maybe the waves aren't any stronger, but I have my back to them now, and I don't see them coming. So they crash into me and knock me over.

     I have also been so busy lately. And there have been births and deaths and those things bring up so much for me. I have also put my faith in people to be there for me, only to be left feeling more alone then before. I keep telling myself life is worth it. These ups and downs are just a part of life. Don't take it so personally. But I can't help it.

     This up and down and competitiveness that seems to be such a part of life, I hate it. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me long for "something else" even when I don't really know what that "something else" is. I know true joy can only be found within. I will get back there. I know I will. Its just been really hard lately. And I feel like I am failing and am so alone in it.