Tradition

     It occurred to me tonight as I told my boys that we would be taking the tree down tomorrow that they aren't the only ones who are sad that the holidays are over. It took me by surprise to have the feeling in my heart again. The one I used to have every year prior to 2011. I am sad for the season to be over. I think it went by too fast and I just don't want it to end.

     This came as a huge shock to me. Back around Halloween I started feeling this dread and wanting to just go to sleep and not wake up until after January 1st. I honestly think its the anticipation of it all. I hate thinking about all of our traditions without Sterling's physical presence here. I hate that I only really had one of each holiday with him. Yet I am so grateful for each second I had him in my life. It leaves me with this tormented feeling. I want to honor our traditions, traditions that Sterling was very much a part of even if it was so briefly. Yet I miss him so much I feel lost without him. Oh grief!! You are such a beast!!

      So tonight when we pulled the plug on the Christmas tree lights for what will probably be the last time this season I had a pang of sadness. That sadness took me by surprise. But I realized that I am a creature of habit. I like traditions. I love passing those traditions on to my kids and hopefully their kids one day too. So for me I will just find ways to include Sterling in those traditions. Whether it be some special angel ornaments on our tree or Sterling's picture seated at our table or included in our pictures. One way or another our traditions will go on and Sterling will go on with them.

     I have some big hopes for 2013. I have an awesome way to keep Sterling's memory alive and also spread awareness of congenital heart defects too. I hope to talk with those in charge and get this ball rolling on this. I will share more when I know its something we can do.

      I love and miss you Sterling. Always and forever.

Holidays

     So we made it through Thanksgiving. I cooked. All day I spent in and out of the kitchen cooking our dinner. It was hard. That was the last holiday we had with Sterling. He loved his food, so a holiday where we ate all day was definitely something he enjoyed. I got some really good pics of the boys all together last year on that day. So this year I decided that we would take the 8x10 picture of him on his first birthday and we put it in his highchair and pulled his chair up to the table. The boys absolutely loved that. We talked to him. We shared memories of him. We prayed with him. We took pictures with him. It was nice.

      That weekend we went in to see Santa just as we had done the two previous years with Sterling. This time we brought Sterling's picture and my boys held it as they took a picture with Santa. The result is all five of my boys with Santa. While waiting in line the boys and I met a family whose youngest daughter also has congenital heart defects. She has had several surgeries and when they saw Sterling's picture they teared up and shared their story with me. They told me some things that brought me so much peace. As hard as it was to go that day, I feel like Sterling orchestrated the whole thing. No coincidences, right?!

     December 1st came and I will admit it hurt. Remembering the day that my beautiful, vibrant, full of love baby stopped breathing was hard. Remembering the panic and fear I felt. Remembering the way I just knew he somehow was going to be ok. All the emotion of that day. Honestly for me the first was harder than the third. (The third is the day he was pronounced dead). I had such hope he would be ok.  I think its remembering the panic wrapped in the fear that was also wrapped in the Hope that Sterling was going to be ok. And then the absolute devastation when he was pronounced dead. Remembering that time is hard for me. I didn't do anything special. I just remembered Sterling and cried.

     I miss him. I miss him so much. He was such a gift. When I get angry about his death and I begin to think that there couldn't possibly be a God who would allow this kind of suffering. Well that is when I remember my baby boy and the complete joy he brought to our lives. Those are the times that I try to remember when I held him in my arms, rocking him to sleep at night and how I would look at him and how I just knew God had created this beautifully perfect little baby. The love I felt (and still feel) for Sterling and for his brothers, its a love unlike any other. Only God can create such perfection.

      Now here it is December 23. I have bought all the presents and food for Christmas. I have my almost 6 year old's cake in the fridge (his birthday is tomorrow). And I am sitting here writing this blog. I think back to last year at this time. I couldn't go many places. My oldest daughter had to get my son's birthday cake and presents. In fact we forgot until that day and he got whatever was on the shelf at the store. Last year I was living minute to minute and in such intense, debilitating pain. This year I am finding Hope again. I have met some amazing people. The boys and I have been on the front page of our paper. I am a completely different woman. I am seeing the gifts of Sterling more and more each day and its turning me into the woman I was always meant to be.

     I love you Sterling, always. I miss you, forever. Always and forever sweet boy.