It occurred to me tonight as I told my boys that we would be taking the tree down tomorrow that they aren't the only ones who are sad that the holidays are over. It took me by surprise to have the feeling in my heart again. The one I used to have every year prior to 2011. I am sad for the season to be over. I think it went by too fast and I just don't want it to end.
This came as a huge shock to me. Back around Halloween I started feeling this dread and wanting to just go to sleep and not wake up until after January 1st. I honestly think its the anticipation of it all. I hate thinking about all of our traditions without Sterling's physical presence here. I hate that I only really had one of each holiday with him. Yet I am so grateful for each second I had him in my life. It leaves me with this tormented feeling. I want to honor our traditions, traditions that Sterling was very much a part of even if it was so briefly. Yet I miss him so much I feel lost without him. Oh grief!! You are such a beast!!
So tonight when we pulled the plug on the Christmas tree lights for what will probably be the last time this season I had a pang of sadness. That sadness took me by surprise. But I realized that I am a creature of habit. I like traditions. I love passing those traditions on to my kids and hopefully their kids one day too. So for me I will just find ways to include Sterling in those traditions. Whether it be some special angel ornaments on our tree or Sterling's picture seated at our table or included in our pictures. One way or another our traditions will go on and Sterling will go on with them.
I have some big hopes for 2013. I have an awesome way to keep Sterling's memory alive and also spread awareness of congenital heart defects too. I hope to talk with those in charge and get this ball rolling on this. I will share more when I know its something we can do.
I love and miss you Sterling. Always and forever.
Sterling is an amazing 13 month old who stopped breathing during his nap as a result of multiple congenital heart defects that had gone undiagnosed. Life as I knew it was over. The pain excrutiating. I often felt like I had died that day too. Slowly I began to see the gifts of Sterling. Follow me as my boys and I find new purpose in our lives. Watch as Sterling continues to do amazing things through each one of us. Always and Forever sweet boy.
I can't imagine the pain and sadness you've been through- no wonder turning off the lights upset you. Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us, I hope that it helps in some way- if only as a way of ordering your thoughts. Hugs
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Thank you so much for your kind words. Writing has helped me tremendously. When I look back I can see just how far I have come in my grief journey. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog.
DeleteI followed you over from the mommy bloggers group. I'm so sorry for your pain and loss. I totally understand what you are feeling -I lost my six year old son to cancer in 2010, and I have four living boys as well. I am pretty much a crab from Thanksgiving to New Years (his birthday is New Years Eve). It's hard to see everyone so happy and joyous when you are hurting and missing someone. I will follow your journey and keep you in my heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading my blog, I can't wait to read yours. I am so sorry for your loss<3
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