New Year

     We made it through another year. We lived more. We loved more. We learned more. We healed a little more.  All the while missing our sweet boy and wondering who he would be today.

     In 2014 Sterling took me to the senator of my state's office so I could tell his story. So I could show his picture and let them know that Sterling lived. He was loved. He is loved. I got to tell them how his life and death has impacted our lives. It was such an emotional thing to do. Definitely one of the highlights of my year. Sterling's story was one of many shared over the year to encourage more funding for research. And we got it.

      2014 found me working out hard. I mean almost every single day. Several hours a day. I added classes that pushed me harder then I had ever been pushed. I didn't always feel like I fit in these classes. I still don't feel like I always fit in these classes. But I keep going anyway. It quiets my mind for a few hours. I'm being pushed so hard I don't have time to think about life. I don't have time to feel the sadness. And I have met some wonderful people who support and encourage my fitness goals. Working out really has become something I cannot live without.

      2014 also saw huge growth in the bubbas. Both physically and emotionally. They have worked hard to understand things many adults never have to deal with. I am so very proud of them. I know Sterling would be so proud of them as well. They still talk about him all the time. Not in an obsessive way, in a way that makes it clear that they remember and love him.

     My hope is that 2015 will be a continuation of the growth our family accomplished last year. I am excited to see where Sterling takes us. I am excited to see my boys continue to grow. I am learning to embrace change and to allow more people in to our lives.

     In December of 2011 when I was gathering Sterling's things from the hospital and preparing to go back home without him, I remember saying to my sister that there was no way I could do this. I asked her how I was supposed to live without my baby in my arms. I told her I couldn't do it. She and the nurses told me I would take it minute to minute. Focus on breathing. They said then I would go 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour, several hours, then before I knew it I would be going days and weeks and months.

     I didn't believe them then. I didn't believe that living was possible. Thriving was completely out of the question. There was no way I could go on while in such pain.

     But they were right. The pain is just a part of me now. It doesn't control me. I miss Sterling just as much today as ever. I always wonder who he would be, who we would be had he lived. But we are living. Each day. We live. We love. We learn. And before we know it another year is over, a new one is beginning. This is life, it goes on, even when we don't want it to. I'm learning to be thankful for this.

December.....

     This month begins with memories of the three worst days of my life. The first, second and third. The days Sterling died. Then comes the hustle and bustle of the season. Getting everything ready and just so for Christmas. I also have a son who has a birthday Christmas Eve. He will be eight this year.  He has struggled the most, outwardly anyway, of all my children.  He saw so much more then his brothers that day. He harbors the most anger. He is also my sweetest, most kind hearted child who, at the age of three, was watching a story about the Haitian orphans and ran to his piggy bank and told me to send them his money so they could have food and clothes and toys. He also asked me if we could adopt any of them. He had just turned three.

     The year Sterling died, when I could barely function, his fifth birthday was just twenty-one days after. But we got him a cake. We sang to him. We tried so hard to celebrate his life. He smiled in the pictures. He seemed unaware that I had lost track of time and my oldest daughter had gone out and bought his cake that morning. He waited so patiently to blow out his candles. I would find out later during a nightmare and the crying that always followed what he wished for. He wished for his baby brother back. In his newly turned five year old mind, birthday wishes come true. Sterling was coming back. He was so devastated to learn that was not ever going to happen, no matter how good we are or how much we want it to happen.

     This December we have been down with a the flu and strep. We have been forced to sit at home. To sleep. To relax. I thought that as we were all beginning to feel better, we should put up our tree. This child of mine, who has always delighted in this season of giving and his birthday, he begged me not to put the tree up. He became naughty. He did everything in his power to deflect from his very painful sadness that this season now brings us.

     When I sat alone with him, he began to cry. He pleaded with me not to put the tree up. He had changed his mind and he didn't want Christmas this year. We talked. I told him how this time of year hurts me too. It is hard to celebrate family when such a loved piece of ours is no longer physically here to celebrate with us. But we can still love Christmas. We can still find some joy. Those things can coexist with the pain. I told my son, who is almost eight, that its ok for us to be sad. We can even feel cheated and angry. But we can't stop living. Life will keep moving forward, with or without us. And I want to be a part of it. Because as long as we are a part of it, so is Sterling. "Because he is always in our hearts...." Yes, my sweet, almost eight year old, yes.

Hope....Time....Healing....

     I'm trying so hard to keep finding hope with our Sterling physically here. I am. I promise. It's just hard. I guess I figured that by the time we would be just days away from the 3 year mark, it would be easier. So many people really do think that time heals all wounds. I just think that when your child dies, its a whole different kind of wound. Time is not always my friend.

     This last month leading up to the days that my son died has been hard. I find myself crying more. I'm grumpier. I don't always want to be around people. I find most of the things other people stress out about to be annoying. In many ways it feels like the first months after Sterling died. But its been almost 3 years. It's harder and harder for me to find people willing to listen and not try to fix me.

     I don't need fixing. I am broken. But I also know I am healing. I have been doing this grief thing for almost 3 years now. I know there are ups and downs. I am in a down moment. I just need people to remember my son. I need people to tell me that this is the worst thing that could ever happen and they are so proud of me for choosing to live and that its ok if I can't always smile and be there for them. I need people to know how exhausting this still is for me. How much energy it takes to wake up each morning and take care of my boys and to take care of myself.

      I am lucky in that I do have a few of these people in my life. I know Sterling sent them to me. They listen when I talk and they tear up. When I beg for donations to the Pediatric Congenital Heart Association in his name for what should have been his fourth birthday, they go above and beyond to make sure I make the goal I set. They are the ones who see the same picture or video they have seen a dozen times of Sterling and they click the like button or they even take a second and comment. They have no idea what that means to me, or maybe they do. Either way, I am so grateful for them.

      Tomorrow we will celebrate Thanksgiving. I am so thankful for my children. All of them. But it will be hard. So I am going to squeeze in a few hours of working out in a few classes by my favorite instructors. I will be pushed and I will want to stop. But I won't. And when its over I will gather my boys and we will head home to make our dinner. We will likely set Sterling's picture at the table and maybe even light a candle. The boys have been asking more again. About his life and about his death.

     I miss Sterling, I always will. I will always try to live my life in such a way that makes him proud. I will never stop talking about him. I will never stop trying to save other families from knowing this pain. My heart is forever broken but healing. Time won't fix it though. My desire to heal will. Having people in my life who are willing to listen will. If you know a grieving parent or sibling, please be kind and gentle with them. They may smile and be trying to live again, but its hard. And it takes so much time, possibly a lifetime.

     Sterling, you are loved and you are missed, always and forever.

Loving this time of year.....

     I was at Target this weekend with my boys when we saw Christmas stuff out. I said how the time of year was always my favorite. The boys looked at me with perplexed looks on their faces. "You DO?" Was their response. And it ht me, like a slap across the face. This will be our 4th Christmas without Sterling physically here.

     My boys are little. Four years is a long time. They don't really remember the holidays before. It breaks my heart. Their memories are of a sad Mommy who was on edge most of the holiday season.
I know I tried to be joyful for them. I know that each year has gotten better. But my boys, they feel my longing, they long, for a holiday with Sterling.

     It is now November, a very hard month for me. A month when I can go back over pictures and see my baby's puffy eyes and hands in some pictures and wonder how I didn't see it in life?  When I can look back and think that I should've pushed the doctors to do a chest x-ray. Or wonder why didn't I get a second or third or fifth opinion? And its also the last holiday we spent with Sterling, Thanksgiving.  Sterling woke up on December 1st not feeling well. Sometime in the afternoon he left us. Our lives turned completely upside down.

     We have worked hard at healing our broken hearts. I have decided that I am going to work even harder to take back November. After all, I got two Novembers with Sterling. That is something I can't say for any other month. We got two full Novembers with Sterling. Two Thanksgivings. It is a special month. One that should be celebrated.

     December 1-3 can wait. Those will always be the worst days of my life. And I will deal with them when I get to them. Please keep our little family in your prayers, these next few months are hard for us. But we are going to find the joy in the season. We are going to remember Sterling. We are going to live.

Control

     I'm sure I've written about my issues with control before. I really felt like I could control so much before Sterling died. I fed him (and my other boys) organic food. I bought the safest minivan and put my kids in the best car safety seats. Sterling was still rear facing even after he turned one and that was when they were just starting to recommend that. I bought them clothes that looked a certain way. I guess I felt if I did it all the "right' way, then my boys would be safe and healthy and happy.

      When Sterling was in the PICU and we were trying to figure out what happened to him, when I was in complete shock, I remember repeating over and over again how I fed him organic food, I bought the best car seat, how I never laid him down, why did I lay him down this afternoon?? I was assured over and over again whatever happened to Sterling was not in my control. But I was sure it was. Clearly I did something wrong to cause this.

     Months and months of counseling and an eventual diagnosis of CHD's would tell me I was in no way responsible for Sterling's death. But I still struggled, I still struggle today from time to time. I used to think I had far more control over my life and the lives of my children. I still struggle with it. Which is why today, when I had planned such a nice little celebration for Sterling's fourth birthday, and the weather wouldn't cooperate, I was so upset.

     It was my friend who told me I couldn't control it. I can't control the weather anymore then I could control that monster in Sterling's chest. That ticking time bomb just waiting to turn our lives upside down. She even said today was probably Sterling saying "when are you going to get it Mom?" It clicked again. When am I going to get it? Life is full of what ifs and if onlys.

     I was starting to feel so responsible for Sterling's death again. So guilty for not seeing the signs I know had to be there. So guilty for not having more control over it all. But this rain today that ruined our plans for his birthday, I could not control it either. And while today was not at all what I had envisioned, it was ok. We still celebrated Sterling with a few friends who knew him in life. Several friends messaged me letting me know they were thinking of him and us.

     I'm starting to really get it baby boy. My head and my heart. It's not ok for me to feel like I had any control in your death. If I did, you would still be here. I love and miss you sweet boy. Always and forever.

So grateful for the time we had.......

     This is the weekend before Sterling's 4th birthday on Monday. This is also the weekend that three of the bubbas get to go to Camp Erin. We have been excited for this to come. It will be so good for them to be around kids who know grief like they do. Where they can share Sterling without the awkward silence that comes when they tell kids that Sterling died. They are going to get to do several activities aimed at helping them heal. They also will spend two nights away from home. The only other time they have spent two nights away from me is when Sterling stopped breathing and I was in the PICU with him.

     Driving in to drop off for camp there were tears. There were lots of "but Mommy, I need to sleep where you do! Can't you just come at night and sleep with us?" I kept telling them that they were going to have so much fun, they weren't going to have time to miss me. Saying goodbye and walking out that door was hard, FOR ME! They were excited and already making friends. I came home alone. With a lot of time to think. I also had several friends texting and calling asking how I was doing.

     I'm sad. I have had some quiet time to think and I just feel sad. Sad that Sterling isn't here. Sad that my boys even have a reason to attend this camp. Sad that there are so many kids attending this camp because someone they love dearly has died. But so grateful it exists for them. So grateful.

     Life is all about love and loss and finding our way through it all. I believe that the bubbas and I have worked hard at finding a purpose and living again. Its not easy. It can be exhausting at times. Moments when I just want to shout to the injustice of our precious boy not here to grow up with his bubbas. And I do shout it. ITS NOT FAIR!!!! He was so loved, so wanted, so adored!! We miss him. The missing is the part that never goes away.

     I've talked so much about his death, the excruciating pain that we felt in the days and months after his death. Today I want to share his life with all of you. He had an amazing 13 months 2 weeks and 6 days. He truly did. He never knew anything but unconditional love. He never had his heart broken. He was never reprimanded. He only knew loving arms and loving smiles.

     Sterling had begun saying several words in the last months of his life. His favorites were "Mommmmm" with the emphasis on the last mmmmm sound. Oh how I miss hearing that whenever I would leave a room. And the boom, boom, boom, of his crawl as he powered crawled to wherever I was. He loved watching his brothers play and called them "bubbas" he would also say "baba" for bottle and sometimes these would be confused by me. He would never turn down a bottle though, so all was good! He loved his food! He had just learned how to say one of his bubbas names. They joy that brought my oldest son! "He said MY name first!" The other boys were then on a mission to teach Sterling to say their names as well. He adored that attention! He was sooooo close to taking his first, unassisted steps. he would cruise the furniture like a pro though.

     On this day three years ago we went into Chicago to the airport. The boys loved watching the planes take off and land. Sterling was in my arms when a huge plane flew right over our heads as it was landing. Sterling startled at first and then said "Whoaaaaaa" as he pointed to the plane and snuggled into my chest. If you ever watched Blossom and remember Joey's "Whoaaa" that's how Sterling did it. We had so much fun. He was becoming a little boy. He was so brave, so friendly, just as long as he was in my arms.

    Sterling was loved in life. He is loved in death. Sterling will be missed and loved and talked about always. We can be sad he isn't here. We can remember his life.  But we will never pretend that its ok that he died. We can come to terms with him not being here. We can live again. We can, and have, made new lives for ourselves. But we will never pretend that we are ok with him not being here. Ever. That means we will have sad days. We will have joyful days. We are healing. I think we will be healing for the rest of our lives.

     When you love someone so much, that love doesn't ever go away. It changes over time, but it never goes away. When someone you love dies, that love grows and changes as well.

     I still can't believe that 4 years ago this beautiful little soul made his entrance into this world. I can't believe its almost been 3 years that he left it. Always and forever sweet boy.

His 4th Birthday is coming......

    Sterling's fourth birthday is coming up. There is a lot to do. I've decided to make the loveys a yearly thing on his birthday. Every baby born on his birthday will go home with a soft, giraffe on the fabric lovey. Attached to the lovey will be a little card with the possible signs of a congenital heart defect.  Sterling loved his Sophie giraffe and he loved his soft lovey. So I combine the two for a sweet little tribute to Sterling while raising awareness.

     The other tradition is letting off lanterns. The first year was wet and windy and only a few made it. last year was gorgeous and several made it and it was absolutely beautiful! This year I am inviting everyone to come out to the park and help us release as many as possible all at once. I can't wait and am hoping for good weather.

     I have also created a little challenge to raise money to support Pediatric Congenital Heart Association. I made a little video montage showing what I do for heart health, I have lost 60 pounds since Sterling died and working out has been very beneficial in my healing. I am asking everyone to donate $4 to them and show me what you do for heart health. My goal is small, $400 by his birthday. If I make my goal then 100 people will have seen the video and know about Sterling and CHD's. Maybe they will tell their friends. And so on.

     I still look at his pictures and videos and wonder how this is real. How is he not snuggled up next to me? How is he not a preschooler? How are we not planning his 4th birthday party by picking out his favorite character or animal or toy to go on his cake? How is it that all I have physically left of my son are baby things when he would be a little boy now?

     People tell me I inspire them. That I have such an amazing story and what I am doing is important. I still cringe a little inside when I hear those things. I am a mom. A mom who loves her children. A mom that is living a life with one of the pieces of her heart missing from her arms. I think about him often throughout the day. And sometimes, the magnitude of his absence feels like it will crush me at any moment. Sometimes, the pain of that comes rolling down my cheeks.

     I am a mom who wishes she could be planning a party WITH and FOR my 4 year old. Instead I am planning things to do to keep his memory alive and to help raise awareness and fight for more funding for more research so that other families may be given that chance. I am hopeful that Sterling will make a difference, I just wish he could've done it from my arms.

     If you would like to help me make my goal please go to http://conqueringchd.org/ and donate $4, please put "Sterling's Birthday" in the memo line or where it says "note" I would love to know the goal was met. And please share his story. Thank you.

     Always and Forever