13 months 2 weeks and 6 days later...

     Today as I sat deciding wether or not to go with my four year old on his field trip, deciding wether or not to take a few extra kiddos with me I felt sad. So very sad. I realized I did this field trip with my now 6 year old last year when he was in the four year old preschool class. It was the first field trip after Sterling had died. I remember sobbing the entire drive to the museum last year. I remember begging Sterling and God for strength. I remember I did it. I don't remember much else about that day. I knew I had to go for my now four year old. I had to go for him and because I will never again have this field trip. Sterling will never get to go see the dinosaurs. I will never get to snap his picture with his little friends as they giggle about the word Paleontologist.

     If all that wasn't enough for my mood today, it occured to me that today Sterling has been out of his body for the same amount of time he was in it. Tomorrow he will have been gone longer than he was here.  I don't know exactly what to say about it. Its a hard thing to wrap my mind around. I so much wish I could know the two year old Sterling. So much I just miss watching him grow and change and laugh and play and cry and and and. I miss so much of who Sterling was and who he will never get to be.

     Oh sweet boy. I remember giving you a little bath with the nurse that day. I will never forget her words as we lotioned you up, telling you we were "making you look and smell so good for when you meet Jesus."  It broke my heart when she said it. I was still so hopeful you would breathe that day. I just knew they were going to turn off those machines and you were going to love being in my arms so much you were going to breathe. As I held you, smelling your beautiful baby scent, I told you many things. I told you I would love you forever, like you for always as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. Love you sweet boy. always and forever.

Learning

     My boys and I have been staying home this Christmas break. Not because we are sad. Its because the flu is going around really bad and this Mom can still barely handle illness without a little help from some anti-anxiety pills and lots of reassurance from friends, family and doctors that this child will be OK. This child is going to be just fine.

     So today the staying home thing got to be a little much and we decided to venture out to our YMCA. I am in desperate need of some alone time and a good workout. So off we go. We came upon a horrific scene. Someone laying, absolutely motionless in the road. There were several people around this person. They seemed scared and unsure of what they should be doing. Honestly its a look I remember all too well. That desperation for someone to please come and fix this. So I roll my window down and ask if they need me to call 911. Nope someone already did. I ask is the person breathing because I do know CPR. They tell me the ambulance is on their way. But is the person breathing?? I never got an answer as the police and ambulance came right then. I decided to go. I couldn't stand to see anymore.

      I was shaking when I realized the silence from the backseat. Absolute silence from three little boys who know exactly what a motionless body could mean. Then a little, shaky  voice "Mommy??....Is...Are...Did they die?"  I tell them I don't know but we should say a prayer. I hear the words come out of my mouth. If you have known me this last year then you know my questioning of prayer. I mean we prayed, others prayed for Sterling to wake up. We all know he never did. So I am not sure about this whole prayer thing.

     Driving back home I began thinking about why my boys who have already seen too much had to see this too. Why? And I realized that this tragedy isn't ours. While a bit traumatizing we won't have to live with any of the outcomes (and I am hopeful the person is just fine). And as for prayer, well, I always pray for others in these situations. My prayers sound a little different today though. I do ask that God please heal the person and give them back to their families but I also pray that the families have peace with whatever the outcome. I focus my prayers on those left picking up the pieces. To help them find comfort and peace and not feel so alone. I think with each experience I am finding more peace with the absolute randomness of life.  Which I am seeing more and more just isn't.