13 months 2 weeks and 6 days later...

     Today as I sat deciding wether or not to go with my four year old on his field trip, deciding wether or not to take a few extra kiddos with me I felt sad. So very sad. I realized I did this field trip with my now 6 year old last year when he was in the four year old preschool class. It was the first field trip after Sterling had died. I remember sobbing the entire drive to the museum last year. I remember begging Sterling and God for strength. I remember I did it. I don't remember much else about that day. I knew I had to go for my now four year old. I had to go for him and because I will never again have this field trip. Sterling will never get to go see the dinosaurs. I will never get to snap his picture with his little friends as they giggle about the word Paleontologist.

     If all that wasn't enough for my mood today, it occured to me that today Sterling has been out of his body for the same amount of time he was in it. Tomorrow he will have been gone longer than he was here.  I don't know exactly what to say about it. Its a hard thing to wrap my mind around. I so much wish I could know the two year old Sterling. So much I just miss watching him grow and change and laugh and play and cry and and and. I miss so much of who Sterling was and who he will never get to be.

     Oh sweet boy. I remember giving you a little bath with the nurse that day. I will never forget her words as we lotioned you up, telling you we were "making you look and smell so good for when you meet Jesus."  It broke my heart when she said it. I was still so hopeful you would breathe that day. I just knew they were going to turn off those machines and you were going to love being in my arms so much you were going to breathe. As I held you, smelling your beautiful baby scent, I told you many things. I told you I would love you forever, like you for always as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. Love you sweet boy. always and forever.