I have this new life now. I go to the gym everyday. I have a personal trainer. I am working hard at losing weight and more importantly getting in shape. Its become my newest obsession. I feel so good after a workout. I don't need to take anxiety meds. I feel like I can do anything. I forget for a moment that I am not me anymore. I forget until it comes crashing down on me.
I never forget Sterling. He is always on my mind. Always. But life feels good again. Until I am woken up in the morning crying hysterically from dreams of my baby hooked up to life support while I stand helpless to save him. It makes me want to just cocoon, retreat inside my bed, under the covers. It makes me want to just shut out the world.
But I can't do that. I have kids coming that I need to care for, I have Sterling's brothers who need me to get them ready for school. I have a date with the gym. Somehow I manage to pull myself together and do all of it. All the while my heart is broken. My heart is wishing I could just hold Sterling again. Oh to just kiss those chubby cheeks and those full, baby lips again.
And you know what comes floating from the ceiling during class? A little white feather. Just when I think I should give up. Just when I begin to tell myself that none of this matters. A little white feather comes floating down and I see it. I don't care what anyone thinks or where they think it came from. To me it is a sign from my sweet angel. He is wanting me to keep moving forward. Keep pushing.
Then while being pushed by my personal trainer to do things I never thought I could do, it hits me. I never imagined on December 3, 2011 when I handed my baby over to a coroner and went home for the first time in 13 months without him, that I could survive a moment without him. I remember asking how I was going to live without him. I just knew there was no way I could. Slowly I have begun living again. Its not always easy. Its not the life I ever dreamed of but its my life now. The gym, working out, pushing myself. I got this. I can do it. I will do it. After all, the sweetest little angel has my back.
Sterling is an amazing 13 month old who stopped breathing during his nap as a result of multiple congenital heart defects that had gone undiagnosed. Life as I knew it was over. The pain excrutiating. I often felt like I had died that day too. Slowly I began to see the gifts of Sterling. Follow me as my boys and I find new purpose in our lives. Watch as Sterling continues to do amazing things through each one of us. Always and Forever sweet boy.
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