All over the place....

     We are in the last four weeks of our summer break. I did not make my fitness goals. Partly because of my ankle injury and the depression that followed that. I am still trying to pull myself out of that. I never stopped working out though. I never stopped taking my boys to do things they love doing in the summer. But by this time I just feel so drained.

     In fact as I was driving to boot camp this morning Matthew West's song Save A Place for Me came on the radio and I began crying. Hard. As I pulled up to the park my friend came up to my car and I was still trying to stop crying. She asked me what is wrong and I just miss him so much.

     I have met many people since Sterling died. Other grieving parents. Some who told me from day one that I will never be happy again. I will never be ok again. They told me my life is over now. I still have the bubbas to raise and love and I knew I couldn't live like that. I wouldn't live like that. But that doesn't mean I don't miss my baby. I MISS him every single day. I think of him every single day. But I feel him all around me. I know he has never left me. I know I will see him again. But I miss him here the way his bubbas are. And sometimes the tears just come. And that's ok.

     I did do boot camp. And I bet no one there even realized I was having a bad morning. I am not sure that is a good thing. I'm not sure its a bad thing either. I have no idea how to feel when so many people think I am so strong and have it so together. Inside I still feel a mess. A beautiful, grieving mess. I am still trying to figure out where I belong.

     I am still trying to figure out what I should be doing with my life. How I can honor my son's short life. How I can raise his bubbas to be kind, loving, compassionate young men. I still feel so confused and such a mess so often. I don't feel like I belong in this world. Yet I value life so much more now. I just wish I could go to a beach somewhere and relax and meditate.