Little Pieces Of You.....

     I haven't blogged in a while. Life has been busy. Tried to get in all the last minute fun with the boys before school started. Then it was getting ready for school. And then school started. I've decided to make some changes in my work as well that will leave my days more open and free for my boys. I was scared to make such a change in my life. But yet I just felt it was time.

     One of the many gifts Sterling has given me is the knowledge that life is fragile and life is short. I never look back and regret any of the time I spent being Sterling's mom. His life was a gift and I knew it from the moment he was placed in my arms. I cherished my time with him and I look at his smile in his pictures and I know he lived a rich, full life.

     I was in such shock for so many months following his death that, although I was physically with my boys, my mind was often not. I would say even today I tend to not always be fully present with my boys. I was looking at Sterling's picture albums one day when I realized how little his bubbas were in all the pictures. I looked up and saw four little boys who aren't so little anymore. I panicked a little. I don't want them to grow up without me being present in their lives.

     I feel like I have spent the last twenty months and twenty days consumed with Sterling. First in the hospital with him trying to will him to be healed. Then the months I spent begging God to give him back. Then more time trying to find a new normal. Now I just look at my boys and think that maybe I missed something? What if I did? I mean my youngest before Sterling, he was just three when Sterling died. He is now five and in all day kindergarten! He no longer needs me like he used to. And I am sad.

     All of my boys have grown and changed so much. And I was in a fog for most of it. I don't want to be anymore. I know grief can be a beast. I know I will never stop missing my sweet boy. I will never stop wishing his death was just a dream. I will always long for Sterling. But I can see little pieces of him in each of his bubbas.

     I can see him in their smiles, in the love in their eyes when we talk about Sterling. I see him in their awe at new life adventures. I see him in them when they love on a friend's baby with that look of longing and love. I hear him in their laughter. I feel him in their tears. Sterling is forever a part of each one of us. And each one of us will carry him with us each day. Through us he will live on. Through us new friends will fall in love with his broad smile and giant, love filled brown eyes.

     And I may not be able to parent Sterling the way I had envisioned when I held him in my arms. But each moment I have parenting and enjoying his bubbas is like I am having that moment with him as well. And I just don't want to not be there for those moments. I need to be there for those moments. For myself. For the bubbas. And for Sterling.

     Sterling's 3rd birthday is coming up. I have a small project I am working on with the hospital where he was born and where he died. I can't wait to write that post and share that experience with everyone. Sterling will hopefully touch the hearts of all the parents of the little ones born on his birthday this year.