Sterling's 3rd birthday is in a few weeks. I cannot believe it. It feels like yesterday I was going up to the hospital to meet him for the first time. Love at first sight! I cherished every moment with Sterling and even knowing this pain of living without him in his physical body, I would choose to be his mom again and again. This pain is because of the great love we shared. I would rather live with the pain then to have never known and loved him.
I have been working on a project with the hospital on a memorial project to raise awareness for CHD's on his birthday. Its been emotionally draining and yet at the very same time it giving me hope. Its making me look forward to his birthday this year. Its giving me something good to do again on a day that should be celebrated. The day that Sterling Isaac came into the world. It was a very joyous time for me, for his sissy and his bubbas. For our whole family. Sterling was and continues to be a cherished, adored and loved little boy.
I just wish he was physically here for me to hold and see. I wonder what his voice would sound like today? I wonder what his hair would feel like? I wonder if he would still be chunky? Or would he have thinned out? I wonder if his personality would still be the sweetest or would he have some sass? I wonder if he would still be a Momma's boy? I wonder if everyone would still be drawn to him? I wonder so many things that I will never know.
I am tying to figure out how to live in this place of not knowing. I have ideas of who Sterling would be today but I really don't know. Its just like I have ideas of where Sterling is right now but I don't have concrete knowledge. I am the person who typically needs the concrete. My faith has been shaken and I am still trying to get it back. I don't trust anything anymore. Life is so unpredictable. I have struggled and I know I have shared often on here. I have moments where I feel like my faith is coming back, but then I have moments when it feels lost once again. Add in my PTSD and it can be a recipe for disaster if those around me don't understand it all. And being honest, most around me just don't get it. Being honest I really hope they never do.
This just makes me feel even more alone and lost. I really am confused. Yes, still as we are coming up on the two year mark of Sterling's death. Yes. I am able to do much more today then last year at this time. I can tell his story without always crying uncontrollably. I can talk about Sterling with a smile on my face instead of tears. But inside I am still hurting. And I am ok with that. My son is dead. I watched him take his last breath. I had begged everyone and anyone who would listen to let my son live. I begged him not to leave me. I pleaded with God. And yet I held my son as he left his body. I held him and watched as his body changed with death. I kissed and held that body, still hoping they were all wrong. Still hoping my eyes were lying to me. So why wouldn't I be hurting and confused?
I am so thankful for all the opportunities and friendships that Sterling's death has gifted me. I truly am. And I am growing tired of talking about Sterling's death. I am hopeful that this is from me healing. I am hopeful that in another year I will be able to go out with friends and not feel an immense tug at my soul making me feel like going home and retreating under the covers. I am hopeful that in another year I will be able to not feel so torn when I am being gifted a friendship or an opportunity. I am hopeful that I can feel the sadness and embrace it and in it still find the joy. I have begun to do this but it takes so much work for me and it drains me. Will life ever not be so much work again? And do I want it to be anything less?
So I will continue to live while my youngest son will only live on in each one of us. I will continue to try to find my way in a world that seems so unpredictable now. In a world that I see so much more meaning in the things that most people do not. I will continue to try to figure out where I belong and who I am now. I will continue to raise awareness in hopes that another family doesn't know what any of this is like. I will continue to be grateful for the gifts Sterling brought us in life and continues to bring us in death. I will be grateful for my life and for all of those who see my brokenness and love me anyway.
Sterling is an amazing 13 month old who stopped breathing during his nap as a result of multiple congenital heart defects that had gone undiagnosed. Life as I knew it was over. The pain excrutiating. I often felt like I had died that day too. Slowly I began to see the gifts of Sterling. Follow me as my boys and I find new purpose in our lives. Watch as Sterling continues to do amazing things through each one of us. Always and Forever sweet boy.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Change is hard....
September is here. Fall is near. Back to school. Pumpkin Patches and Apple Orchards. Crisp air. And Sterling. Sterling was born on October 13, 2010. His birth made my favorite season all the more special. I love Fall. Having grown up in Southern California without ever really seeing leaves change colors and fall off the trees, I really and truly loved every Fall since moving to the Midwest.
I noticed a feeling in me starting at the end of the summer. I felt a distinct change when school started. I began feeling a little dread. Nothing like last year, but its there. Then last weekend, Labor Day weekend, I decided that the little boys needed big boy beds. They had been sleeping in their own beds before Sterling died. After Sterling's death they refused to sleep in their beds anymore. I couldn't handle them being in a different room from me either so I let them sleep with me, I was barely sleeping anyway. But now they are older, both in school all day and just physically getting bigger. So we went to Target to shop for new bedding and then to the furniture store for new beds.
I noticed that I was very short with everyone all weekend. I had that fight or flight feeling in my chest. As I began taking pictures of the old beds and then taking them down and putting up the new beds it hit me. Their beds had remained unchanged since that last night we all slept in our own beds, the last night Sterling slept in our home. I was changing the bedroom all three little boys shared. As soon as I acknowledged my feelings the flood of tears came. And then peace.
The boys were excited to sleep in their beds. They fell asleep within minutes. I was left in the silence of the room to talk to my sweet Sterling. His crib is still up. The boys don't want it taken down, I don't either. Its crazy. I know. But we have put away many of Sterling's things. We have even begun changing and redecorating our home. But his crib? No one in our home is ready to take it down. Once we take that down there will be nothing of his left up in our home.
His pictures will always be everywhere in our home. But all his clothing, his strollers, his high chair, his bottles....they have all been safely packed away. With each item we pack away we realize that the item is special to us, but it is not Sterling. Sterling is here in our home because he is here in our hearts, forever. He lives on in each one of us.
When the boys have a project about themselves I have to talk them out of filling their poster boards with pictures of Sterling. When they see a giraffe or a butterfly, they immediately say "Hi Sterling!! Love you Bubba!" When Silas picked out bedding with an Africa scene because of the giraffe. All of these things remind me that Sterling is still very much alive in each one of us.
So as we get closer to Fall. Closer to the day that would've been Sterling's third birthday. I can sit quietly, pumpkin spiced latte in hand, and feel my baby all around me. I will never stop missing him. I will never stop wondering who he would be today. But I know he never left me. And I live each day with hope that one day the veil will drop and I will see my baby again. Until then, there is always hope.
I noticed a feeling in me starting at the end of the summer. I felt a distinct change when school started. I began feeling a little dread. Nothing like last year, but its there. Then last weekend, Labor Day weekend, I decided that the little boys needed big boy beds. They had been sleeping in their own beds before Sterling died. After Sterling's death they refused to sleep in their beds anymore. I couldn't handle them being in a different room from me either so I let them sleep with me, I was barely sleeping anyway. But now they are older, both in school all day and just physically getting bigger. So we went to Target to shop for new bedding and then to the furniture store for new beds.
I noticed that I was very short with everyone all weekend. I had that fight or flight feeling in my chest. As I began taking pictures of the old beds and then taking them down and putting up the new beds it hit me. Their beds had remained unchanged since that last night we all slept in our own beds, the last night Sterling slept in our home. I was changing the bedroom all three little boys shared. As soon as I acknowledged my feelings the flood of tears came. And then peace.
The boys were excited to sleep in their beds. They fell asleep within minutes. I was left in the silence of the room to talk to my sweet Sterling. His crib is still up. The boys don't want it taken down, I don't either. Its crazy. I know. But we have put away many of Sterling's things. We have even begun changing and redecorating our home. But his crib? No one in our home is ready to take it down. Once we take that down there will be nothing of his left up in our home.
His pictures will always be everywhere in our home. But all his clothing, his strollers, his high chair, his bottles....they have all been safely packed away. With each item we pack away we realize that the item is special to us, but it is not Sterling. Sterling is here in our home because he is here in our hearts, forever. He lives on in each one of us.
When the boys have a project about themselves I have to talk them out of filling their poster boards with pictures of Sterling. When they see a giraffe or a butterfly, they immediately say "Hi Sterling!! Love you Bubba!" When Silas picked out bedding with an Africa scene because of the giraffe. All of these things remind me that Sterling is still very much alive in each one of us.
So as we get closer to Fall. Closer to the day that would've been Sterling's third birthday. I can sit quietly, pumpkin spiced latte in hand, and feel my baby all around me. I will never stop missing him. I will never stop wondering who he would be today. But I know he never left me. And I live each day with hope that one day the veil will drop and I will see my baby again. Until then, there is always hope.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)