September is here. Fall is near. Back to school. Pumpkin Patches and Apple Orchards. Crisp air. And Sterling. Sterling was born on October 13, 2010. His birth made my favorite season all the more special. I love Fall. Having grown up in Southern California without ever really seeing leaves change colors and fall off the trees, I really and truly loved every Fall since moving to the Midwest.
I noticed a feeling in me starting at the end of the summer. I felt a distinct change when school started. I began feeling a little dread. Nothing like last year, but its there. Then last weekend, Labor Day weekend, I decided that the little boys needed big boy beds. They had been sleeping in their own beds before Sterling died. After Sterling's death they refused to sleep in their beds anymore. I couldn't handle them being in a different room from me either so I let them sleep with me, I was barely sleeping anyway. But now they are older, both in school all day and just physically getting bigger. So we went to Target to shop for new bedding and then to the furniture store for new beds.
I noticed that I was very short with everyone all weekend. I had that fight or flight feeling in my chest. As I began taking pictures of the old beds and then taking them down and putting up the new beds it hit me. Their beds had remained unchanged since that last night we all slept in our own beds, the last night Sterling slept in our home. I was changing the bedroom all three little boys shared. As soon as I acknowledged my feelings the flood of tears came. And then peace.
The boys were excited to sleep in their beds. They fell asleep within minutes. I was left in the silence of the room to talk to my sweet Sterling. His crib is still up. The boys don't want it taken down, I don't either. Its crazy. I know. But we have put away many of Sterling's things. We have even begun changing and redecorating our home. But his crib? No one in our home is ready to take it down. Once we take that down there will be nothing of his left up in our home.
His pictures will always be everywhere in our home. But all his clothing, his strollers, his high chair, his bottles....they have all been safely packed away. With each item we pack away we realize that the item is special to us, but it is not Sterling. Sterling is here in our home because he is here in our hearts, forever. He lives on in each one of us.
When the boys have a project about themselves I have to talk them out of filling their poster boards with pictures of Sterling. When they see a giraffe or a butterfly, they immediately say "Hi Sterling!! Love you Bubba!" When Silas picked out bedding with an Africa scene because of the giraffe. All of these things remind me that Sterling is still very much alive in each one of us.
So as we get closer to Fall. Closer to the day that would've been Sterling's third birthday. I can sit quietly, pumpkin spiced latte in hand, and feel my baby all around me. I will never stop missing him. I will never stop wondering who he would be today. But I know he never left me. And I live each day with hope that one day the veil will drop and I will see my baby again. Until then, there is always hope.
Sterling is an amazing 13 month old who stopped breathing during his nap as a result of multiple congenital heart defects that had gone undiagnosed. Life as I knew it was over. The pain excrutiating. I often felt like I had died that day too. Slowly I began to see the gifts of Sterling. Follow me as my boys and I find new purpose in our lives. Watch as Sterling continues to do amazing things through each one of us. Always and Forever sweet boy.
We are nowhere near packing Hudson's stuff away but, when I read posts like these, it gives me hope that one day we'll understand that he is not in his cot, or his clothes and he is not in his changing mat; that he is, rather, in our hearts and everywhere.
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