Confused but finding my way....

     Sterling's 3rd birthday is in a few weeks. I cannot believe it. It feels like yesterday I was going up to the hospital to meet him for the first time. Love at first sight! I cherished every moment with Sterling and even knowing this pain of living without him in his physical body, I would choose to be his mom again and again. This pain is because of the great love we shared. I would rather live with the pain then to have never known and loved him.

     I have been working on a project with the hospital on a memorial project to raise awareness for CHD's on his birthday. Its been emotionally draining and yet at the very same time it giving me hope. Its making me look forward to his birthday this year. Its giving me something good to do again on a day that should be celebrated.  The day that Sterling Isaac came into the world. It was a very joyous time for me, for his sissy and his bubbas. For our whole family. Sterling was and continues to be a cherished, adored and loved little boy.

     I just wish he was physically here for me to hold and see. I wonder what his voice would sound like today? I wonder what his hair would feel like? I wonder if he would still be chunky? Or would he have thinned out? I wonder if his personality would still be the sweetest or would he have some sass? I wonder if he would still be a Momma's boy? I wonder if everyone would still be drawn to him? I wonder so many things that I will never know.

     I am tying to figure out how to live in this place of not knowing. I have ideas of who Sterling would be today but I really don't know. Its just like I have ideas of where Sterling is right now but I don't have concrete knowledge. I am the person who typically needs the concrete. My faith has been shaken and I am still trying to get it back. I don't trust anything anymore. Life is so unpredictable. I have struggled and I know I have shared often on here. I have moments where I feel like my faith is coming back, but then I have moments when it feels lost once again. Add in my PTSD and it can be a recipe for disaster if those around me don't understand it all. And being honest, most around me just don't get it. Being honest I really hope they never do.

     This just makes me feel even more alone and lost. I really am confused. Yes, still as we are coming up on the two year mark of Sterling's death. Yes. I am able to do much more today then last year at this time. I can tell his story without always crying uncontrollably. I can talk about Sterling with a smile on my face instead of tears. But inside I am still hurting. And I am ok with that. My son is dead. I watched him take his last breath. I had begged everyone and anyone who would listen to let my son live. I begged him not to leave me. I pleaded with God. And yet I held my son as he left his body. I held him and watched as his body changed with death. I kissed and held that body, still hoping they were all wrong. Still hoping my eyes were lying to me. So why wouldn't I be hurting and confused?

     I am so thankful for all the opportunities and friendships that Sterling's death has gifted me. I truly am. And I am growing tired of talking about Sterling's death. I am hopeful that this is from me healing. I am hopeful that in another year I will be able to go out with friends and not feel an immense tug at my soul making me feel like going home and retreating under the covers. I am hopeful that in another year I will be able to not feel so torn when I am being gifted a friendship or an opportunity. I am hopeful that I can feel the sadness and embrace it and in it still find the joy. I have begun to do this but it takes so much work for me and it drains me. Will life ever not be so much work again? And do I want it to be anything less?

     So I will continue to live while my youngest son will only live on in each one of us. I will continue to try to find my way in a world that seems so unpredictable now. In a world that I see so much more meaning in the things that most people do not. I will continue to try to figure out where I belong and who I am now. I will continue to raise awareness in hopes that another family doesn't know what any of this is like. I will continue to be grateful for the gifts Sterling brought us in life and continues to bring us in death. I will be grateful for my life and for all of those who see my brokenness and love me anyway.