A letter to Sterling's Bubbas......

      My boys have been struggling with their grief. They lost their brother and their mother. I know our lives will never be the same but different doesn't have to mean bad. Our lives can be good again. So I started working with a counselor for the kids. Surprise, surprise, I am looking at myself more closely and realizing my own issues and how they are affecting my boys. But this is a good thing. Knowing what needs to be fixed means its fixable.

      We finally have a counselor that gives me hope. I know it will be a long road ahead for us. I know that what happened was traumatic and we are all forever changed. I know we are hurting unlike anything else we have ever felt before. But I love my boys and I am willing to do the work to help heal their little hearts.  I am making this letter to my boys public so that I may hold myself more accountable.



Dear Boys,

     I know it was scary when Sterling died. I know you saw me scared and crying and that scared you. I know you didn't understand what was going on. One minute your baby brother was here and the next he was gone. And there were police in our house. And Mommy gone. And Grammy gone. For days we were gone and you were at home with friends who tried their best but weren't your Mommy. In those days you came to a hospital to see us and your baby brother was so swollen and had lots of wires and tubes. I know that scared you. And I am so very sorry you were so scared.

      When Mommy came home without your brother you needed routine and Mommy tried. I really tried. But my heart was so very broken. You asked if I would be this sad if it had been one of you instead of the baby. I told you I would still be this sad, I love you all. And then I retreated into my pain, into my fear. I tried to be the best Mommy to you but my heart hurt so bad I didn't always succeed. I am so very sorry for that.

     From this day on I promise you I will work harder to be the Mommy you deserve. The one who gives you her full attention as much as possible. The one who will live in the moment again. When I snuggle you, I promise to not think about anything but how much I love you. I promise to work hard with your counselor to find ways to make you feel safe and loved again. I promise I will work hard to not yell or lose my temper, please know grief left me raw and it really wasn't any one of you.

     I love you all so much. I always said the angels brought each one of you into my life. I was always meant to be your Mommy. Our lives may not be easy but our love will always remain strong. We are hurting because of our great love for Sterling. And that love will help us heal. I promise you that.

Love you always and forever,

Mommy