Two Years....

     On this date two years ago at 12:34 in the afternoon Sterling was pronounced dead after taking his final breath in my arms. I remember so vividly the staff telling me they were going to silence the alarms and then they would turn off all the life saving machines that were keeping my baby alive. They told me he would go quickly. But I had been praying, begging, pleading that my baby take a breath. I would take care of him forever, just please let him live. I was sure he was going to live.

      I remember the doctor coming in and putting that stethoscope to my baby's chest. He put his head down and said "I'm sorry, he's gone. Time of death...." I heard nothing else. The sounds that came from somewhere so deep within my soul....the sounds that came from my daughter. I would learn later my sister had to catch her as she screamed "NO!" and her knees went out on her. My mother moaning. Everyone around us with tears. And then as it got quiet, one by one they left the room.

      I was left alone, staring at my beautiful baby boy. His little body so swollen. But still my beautiful baby boy. I wanted the nurses to take the breathing tube out of his mouth but they couldn't. The coroner wanted it left in. But I wanted, needed to kiss his lips. So the nurse cut it back. And I kissed my baby's lips. I kissed his cheeks. I held his hand. I never wanted to let him go. Never. But his body began showing death and I couldn't watch it anymore. The coroner was called.

     I heard his voice. He said "I'm not putting her baby on a stretcher or a body bag. Do you have an infant car seat?" They did. He sat down to ask some questions while I held my baby. When he was done I can't remember if I handed my baby to him or if I put him in the car seat. I can remember so much but some details still elude me. I do know that I asked if I could walk him out. I was so weak from not eating for a few days and from crying for days straight that they wouldn't let me walk. And they wouldn't let me carry my baby. So I was wheeled while Sterling was carried in the car seat. As we got to the door I asked to see him once more.

     I pulled the blanket back and kissed him once more. I don't remember much else except telling him to make sure he kept Sterling covered and warm because it was cold out. And please take care of him. He promised me he would and he left. I went very weak and nearly fell but the ladies grabbed me and helped me into the wheelchair. I sat wondering when I was going to wake up, please God let me wake up! My mother and niece pulled up with my van and I was helped in. I turned around and there was my baby's car seat. Empty.

     Silence. The ride home was silent. Christmas music was on the radio and I hated it. I looked at the gloomy day (the weather much like it was today) and all the cars and bustle of our town. All I could think was that none of these people knew. None of them knew that the world just lost the most precious, sweetest, loving, amazing little boy ever. How could they just go about their day like nothing happened?

     That was my first experience in the loneliness of grief. My world was shattered but everyone else still went about their day. They still had their innocence and mine was gone. I have worked hard these last two years on healing. On coming to terms with the life I have now. Working hard at keeping my son's memory alive. Finding balance between the two worlds I now live in. I have worked hard on the anger that not only I have but Sterling's bubbas have as well. How do we use that in a healthy way?

     So as I am sitting tonight in a quiet house. Everyone sleeping. I let it all go. I cry. I question. I look for hope in this sea of sadness. I miss my baby, I always will. I can come to terms with the fact that he lived and died just as he was always meant to, but I never have to like it. 

     Sterling is loved just as much today as he was two years ago. In many ways he is loved more. Love has a funny way of growing over time that way. Even if the person we love has left their bodies, our love grows. I live with the hope that I will one day be reunited with him. That I will be able to kiss and hold and hug him again. Its the only way I survive this life without him.