Why Us? Why so much?

     This life of mine, well, its not always fun. Its not easy either. If living with the death of Sterling was our only obstacle, that would be enough. But it isn't. I have six children. All adopted. Each with their own history. Each with their own story of loss. Each with their own obstacles. All of us learning to live with the death of our youngest family member. Life can be hard. But its so worth it.

     I would love to tell you each of their stories. But they are young and its their story to tell, not mine. I will tell you I have always longed to be a mom. Always. And I can tell you that I believe their little souls were always meant to be my children no matter what bodies they were in. I can also tell you I have had many children pass through my home, I didn't feel this way toward all of them. And one last thing, with each one of my children, when we met for the first time, it felt as if we had known each other forever. It was something I can't quite explain. It made me believe in a higher power.

     But believing and more importantly knowing this deep within my soul, doesn't take away their histories. Doesn't take away some of the trauma they experienced before I was their mom. It doesn't take away their feelings of abandonment. My love for my children doesn't take away their learning issues or Autism or PTSD. But how I wish it did!

     Why am I writing about this on a blog about finding Hope without Sterling? Because for me, I wish I could shield my children from it all. I wish they didn't have pasts filled with trauma and loss before they met me. I wish they didn't know death and know what its like to see your baby brother die. I wish my children were on an even playing field with their peers. I hate having to admit they are not. It hurts me as their mom. It hurts.

     But I refuse to let it break them. I refuse to let them see themselves as anything other then the amazing little souls I see when I look at them. I refuse to let Autism, PTSD and the death of Sterling make us feel less. We are a family built by God. We are children of the one true King. My faith may have been shaken but I still believe there is a higher power guiding us. I look into my children's faces and I know. We may not understand why but we know we are loved. And with Love and Hope and Faith, anything is possible.

      One last little note. When I met each of my children for the first time they seemed to know me. So much so that one doctor asked if I had been around the birth mother during pregnancy because the way my newborn preferred my voice and would turn to it above all others, its not something that typically happens unless they had been exposed to my voice in utero. When I told the doctor I had just met this baby for the first time today and had never met the mother, he was stunned. That repeated with all my babies. And the ones that were a bit older, well they seemed to "come alive" once placed in my arms. Some therapists were left in awe. I, however, would just reply "the angels must have told him about me. So he was waiting."

       I share this in no way to lessen the loss of their birth families. I just believe that this was always the way it was meant to happen. Much like Sterling's death, I don't understand it but I feel like its the way it was always meant to be. Believing this doesn't make me any less hurt, nor does it make me miss Sterling any less. In many ways its just me processing the pain, processing the loss. I can't change it, anymore then my kids can change their histories. We just have to choose Hope. And we learn to live each day, enjoy each moment, become better people. The human spirit is an amazing thing.