What working out has done for me.......

     Have I told you all how much working out has helped in my healing? I'm fairly certain I have. I started just walking on the treadmill. I was up to 3 or more miles a day. Then January came along and I had to wait in line for the machines! Ugh!! No thank you! So I found Zumba!! Oh how I love Zumba!! The weight quickly started coming off and I felt wonderful! Something about the movement and the music and all the wonderful women whom I now call friends. I felt so close to Sterling while getting my Zumba on!

     Then I added a personal trainer. I would jokingly, but not really joking, call her my Jillian Michaels. She really whipped me into shape! When I would say "I can't", she would literally show me just how much I can! I got stronger and my body began changing. I began to see my anxiety slowly go away. I could do more physically and mentally.

     Just recently I added in a Body Combat class. In case any of you may wonder, I have some anger over Sterling's death. Anger toward myself for not seeing how sick he was, for not being able to save him. Anger towards doctors who are smart and know a lot but they don't know everything. And they certainly couldn't save my son. Anger toward a system that allowed certain people way too many rights when they deserved none. Anger that I can't protect all of my children from this excruciating pain.

     So let me tell you what we do in body combat! We literally visualize beating the crap out of a punching bag or a person. In my case I get to close my eyes and beat the crap out of all that I listed above! My counselor had told me early on in my grief that I needed to find an outlet for my anger. She said I was typically not an angry person and I needed to get a baseball bat and go beat the crap out of a tree or a sturdy wall. She said I should yell all the things I was angry about while hitting the bat on the tree. In combat I am considerate of others, so I don't yell out loud. But let me tell you, with each punch, each jab, each upper cut and downward brawl, I am visualizing all of the above and just going at it hard!

      It's been very healing. Its been awesome! I love this class. I can safely release the anger. I can safely think about how pissed off I am that my son died. I can safely think about how much I would love to grab whatever I am angry with and just beat it. It sounds weird when I write it out, but oh let me tell you it is aiding in my healing.

      So much so that I find myself actually at peace more often then not. I find myself thinking of Sterling with a smile. The tears are still there, I suspect they always will be, but they are softer now. It took a lot of effort for me to get here. I'm sure it will ebb and flow. But for now, for right now, the working out the way I do has given me strength. It's helped me find some peace. It's given me a voice when I felt like I had none. I highly recommend that those with a grieving heart fit working out into their schedules, its far better then any pill I could take.