Trust

     I love my children, all six of them. I would do anything for them. I want the best for them. And yet they can push my buttons unlike any other. These little people that I love more than anything can drive me to the brink of insanity some days. Kids are fun like that.

     Because Sterling died my children and I have needed a little extra "life boost" as I like to call it. Everyone else probably would call it counseling. All the kids want to be the one to have a counseling session with mom, that is until its actually time to have a counseling session with mom. Our counselor asks that my boys play silly games with me, let me feed them, let mom be in control for a few minutes. My kids resist. And I wonder why?

     I'm scared to think about why they don't trust me. I'm scared to know the real reasons why. I worry so much that seeing me doing CPR on their baby brother while screaming "Oh my God my baby's dead!! Please!! Someone help me!!" may have left some scars. I worry that Mommy leaving for two days while friends took care of them may have left some scars. I worry that seeing their mommy, puffy faced from crying while holding their very swollen baby brother may have left some scars. I worry that having me come home, without their baby brother and in shock may have done some damage. I worry that my inability to connect with them for a while,  while I healed my soul , may have left them scared of letting me in again.

      I worry about so many things with my children. I want them to be ok. I need for them to be ok. And then I question that too. I mean, our baby died. They saw things that left me numb and in shock. We lost a very important little soul. We loved and continue to love him. Why do I worry about us being broken? Shouldn't I be more worried if we weren't?

     Yet I sit during these counseling sessions and as I try to coax my son out from behind the couch to come play a game with me, all I think about is why? Why can't he just play a game with me? Why can't he just let me be in control for twenty minutes? Will he ever trust me again? Will he ever stop trying to bargain with me when I need or want his participation? And can I stop seeing it as a personal insult and begin to truly understand what trauma has done to our family?

     Oh this life of ours. Its not at all what I dreamt it would ever be. I wish I could take all our pain, all our fears and just throw them out. Gone forever more. But I can't. Healing takes time. It also takes intention. It's hard, so very hard. But it's also so very worth it.

     "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."---Rose Kennedy