Sunday, November 18, 2012

Magnificent Mile

     I almost didn't go this year. The pain wrapped up in the joy of last year was almost too much for me. But then as I was driving down the street talking to Sterling and God a song came on the radio. I had never heard this song before, or maybe I had and just didn't pay much attention to it. The singer is Colton Dixon and in the lyrics he sings "see I was never gone." I thought so much of the song that I wrote down the name and then went about my day.

      Later that night I decided to look up on the computer who was going to be performing during the day at the lighting of Michigan Avenue in Chicago. I was trying so hard to be ok with going again. Its a tradition the kids and I love doing every year but it was also one of the last things we did as a family with Sterling last year. I didn't know if I could go and enjoy the day without him. But here these lyrics say "I was never gone" and talk about always being with me. So I keep scrolling the page and would you believe who is performing? Mr Colton Dixon himself! I decided to take it as a sign from Sterling that we could do this. We could go and remember him and have a good time.

     So we went with a friend and her son. I admit I had some anxiety the night before and the morning of. I cried. (Crying is a great way to release and let go of some of the anxiety). We went in just as we did last year. I even let her use Sterling's stroller he was in last year. I felt like by even just touching that stroller that he sat in just a few weeks prior to his death, that a part of him was physically there with us too. And you know what? Beyond the train ride, every single thing was different this year. We even ended up getting blocked out of seeing the parade and never even saw Colton Dixon.

     But as I walked down the streets of Chicago heading back to the train I realized that the day was exactly as it was meant to be. Much like my life now. It was not at all what I had envisioned or planned for myself but it was ok. We actually had fun. A different kind of fun then we wanted but fun none the less. Maybe Sterling gave me these signs to show me this? Maybe he just wanted to get me back in Chicago with his brothers? Maybe seeing the parade would have been too much for the boys and I? I really don't know.

     What I know is that time and time again I am being shown that my life is nothing what I had ever dreamed it would be. But I am still here. I still have life to live. A part of me may have died that day with Sterling but not all of me. I still have children who need to see life can be fun again. I still have a desire somewhere deep within that wants to live and enjoy life again. And Sterling has never left us. We carry him always in our hearts and I would suspect he truly has never left my side.

     I love you Sterling. Always and forever.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Its never easy

   I feel like I am failing at this blog. Finding Hope Without Sterling seems very hard this month. I feel almost like I did when he first died. Shopping is hard again, anxiety is back, my chest is tight, the pain is there and so are the questions I keep playing over and over in my head "how did I not know?" and "should I have known?" Its not a fun place for me to be right now. Yet this time I have a knowing under it all that I will be ok. I know this is temporary. I know now that grief is like an ocean. Sometimes gentle waves lapping at my legs, while other times the waves are huge and knock me down threatening to pull me out to sea.

     I have been told by those who "know" about grief that on Sterling's birthday I did the right thing.  Without really knowing what I was doing I gave myself alone time to talk to Sterling and to cry (good Lord did I cry) on the hour drive in. I got to go and meet with other adults who share my love of a show and meet some actors on that show. Then getting to have a coffee with someone I admire, not just as an actress but for her charity work and for her love of Jesus. I secretly want to be around those who have such a love for Christ because right now I am so darn angry with God for not giving my son back to us. I struggle with this often. I really try hard not to be so angry as I know its not healthy for me or my boys. Yet I continue to struggle with it.

     I see Sterling's death as a scene of a movie. Follow me here. I know somewhere deep within my soul that God is here, he always has been and always will be. I know he didn't "take" Sterling from me, as our children have always belonged to Him and are truly just on loan. I know this. So I feel like there is an ending I don't know about yet. I don't like this twist in my life, I want a re-write!! But God knows, He has a plan. The more I fight it, the more I am stuck in the wishing I could go back and change something I can't, the longer it will take me to see what God has planned for me and my family.

      So I keep looking for gifts from Sterling. I keep talking to God. I keep seeking out people who I admire so I can watch, I can listen, I can learn. My favorite bible passage is this :  "...once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."
Proverbs 24:12
 
     I feel like I know more now. I cannot just sit back and pretend I don't. I have to go out into the world and use what God has given me in a positive way. Sterling was a gift both in life and in death. I cannot pretend anything else. He taught me so much in his short time on this earth. And now I must keep moving forward. I must keep telling others about him. About how children over the age of 1 can just go to sleep and never wake up. How a child can have a life threatening heart defect yet look so flipping healthy. How doctors are smart but they are not God.

     I know that when I trust fully in God, in there being more to this life than I can ever fully understand. That is when I have a peace in my heart unlike any other. Sterling was not an accident. He was perfection. His life and his death were exactly as they were supposed to be. Hard for me to fully accept, especially when I live in a culture where it feels like we control so  much. Its hard to trust someone we have no concrete evidence exists. But somewhere deep within my soul I know Sterling is with Him and one day I will be too.


Friday, November 2, 2012

Halloween

     Its a holiday we were blessed to have two of with Sterling. The first year he was so tiny. He wore his little "Boo" hat the hospital gave him when he was born. I put him in the front carrier and put a blanket around him and then I wore my coat buttoned up over he and I. He slept soundly snuggled up over my heart as his brothers went door to door trick or treating. I will never forget the sounds he made as he slept or the way he felt so snugly on my chest.

     The second Halloween he had just turned one. I had hopes of all five boys going with a theme. I found the cutest little alien costume for Sterling and tried to talk his brothers into a Toy Story theme. No luck on that one. They all went as power rangers, one a penguin and Sterling the cutest little alien ever!  He got it last year. The first sucker helped him see that his brothers were getting candy, yummy sugar! He was in for some of that!

     This year as Halloween approached I began feeling a sadness. Who knew that this would be the holiday that would bring it? I think its because I know he would've "got it" so much more this year so I allowed myself to sit for a minute in the thought of what it would be like if Sterling were still alive. What would this Halloween be like with a two year old Sterling? But I knew I couldn't stay in it forever so I started looking for ways to lift me up. I found this blog 366randomacts.org and began thinking that the boys and I could take each day and do one little act, maybe hand out a card with Sterling's name asking them to pay it forward for Sterling? Would this make us feel better?

     I realized these acts are things we have been doing for years but now we will do it for Sterling. We will do these things daily with more thought as to honor our baby. We are not doing these things for praise from others. We are doing these things because we can't do any of it for Sterling anymore and we so desperately wish we could. So far we are starting out small. Holding doors for others, leaving little notes of encouragement in random places, donating $5 or $10 to charities that are making a difference, buying a package of diapers and wipes for someone who can't afford it, the list goes on.

     We will also start each day and end each night with something we are grateful for at that one moment. I will try my best to keep track and then hopefully do a post about it. In all honesty its very hard for me right now to focus on the positive when my mind is thinking that exactly eleven months ago today I was in the PICU being told that my son was never going to wake up, he was never going to open his eyes and smile at me. I was being told my son had gone too long without oxygen to his brain and as a result he was brain dead. Its very hard to find positives when my mind is there. But if the boys and I can do it, I think just about anyone can.

     Sterling, we love you and we miss you, Always and Forever.