Halloween

     Its a holiday we were blessed to have two of with Sterling. The first year he was so tiny. He wore his little "Boo" hat the hospital gave him when he was born. I put him in the front carrier and put a blanket around him and then I wore my coat buttoned up over he and I. He slept soundly snuggled up over my heart as his brothers went door to door trick or treating. I will never forget the sounds he made as he slept or the way he felt so snugly on my chest.

     The second Halloween he had just turned one. I had hopes of all five boys going with a theme. I found the cutest little alien costume for Sterling and tried to talk his brothers into a Toy Story theme. No luck on that one. They all went as power rangers, one a penguin and Sterling the cutest little alien ever!  He got it last year. The first sucker helped him see that his brothers were getting candy, yummy sugar! He was in for some of that!

     This year as Halloween approached I began feeling a sadness. Who knew that this would be the holiday that would bring it? I think its because I know he would've "got it" so much more this year so I allowed myself to sit for a minute in the thought of what it would be like if Sterling were still alive. What would this Halloween be like with a two year old Sterling? But I knew I couldn't stay in it forever so I started looking for ways to lift me up. I found this blog 366randomacts.org and began thinking that the boys and I could take each day and do one little act, maybe hand out a card with Sterling's name asking them to pay it forward for Sterling? Would this make us feel better?

     I realized these acts are things we have been doing for years but now we will do it for Sterling. We will do these things daily with more thought as to honor our baby. We are not doing these things for praise from others. We are doing these things because we can't do any of it for Sterling anymore and we so desperately wish we could. So far we are starting out small. Holding doors for others, leaving little notes of encouragement in random places, donating $5 or $10 to charities that are making a difference, buying a package of diapers and wipes for someone who can't afford it, the list goes on.

     We will also start each day and end each night with something we are grateful for at that one moment. I will try my best to keep track and then hopefully do a post about it. In all honesty its very hard for me right now to focus on the positive when my mind is thinking that exactly eleven months ago today I was in the PICU being told that my son was never going to wake up, he was never going to open his eyes and smile at me. I was being told my son had gone too long without oxygen to his brain and as a result he was brain dead. Its very hard to find positives when my mind is there. But if the boys and I can do it, I think just about anyone can.

     Sterling, we love you and we miss you, Always and Forever.