Magnificent Mile

     I almost didn't go this year. The pain wrapped up in the joy of last year was almost too much for me. But then as I was driving down the street talking to Sterling and God a song came on the radio. I had never heard this song before, or maybe I had and just didn't pay much attention to it. The singer is Colton Dixon and in the lyrics he sings "see I was never gone." I thought so much of the song that I wrote down the name and then went about my day.

      Later that night I decided to look up on the computer who was going to be performing during the day at the lighting of Michigan Avenue in Chicago. I was trying so hard to be ok with going again. Its a tradition the kids and I love doing every year but it was also one of the last things we did as a family with Sterling last year. I didn't know if I could go and enjoy the day without him. But here these lyrics say "I was never gone" and talk about always being with me. So I keep scrolling the page and would you believe who is performing? Mr Colton Dixon himself! I decided to take it as a sign from Sterling that we could do this. We could go and remember him and have a good time.

     So we went with a friend and her son. I admit I had some anxiety the night before and the morning of. I cried. (Crying is a great way to release and let go of some of the anxiety). We went in just as we did last year. I even let her use Sterling's stroller he was in last year. I felt like by even just touching that stroller that he sat in just a few weeks prior to his death, that a part of him was physically there with us too. And you know what? Beyond the train ride, every single thing was different this year. We even ended up getting blocked out of seeing the parade and never even saw Colton Dixon.

     But as I walked down the streets of Chicago heading back to the train I realized that the day was exactly as it was meant to be. Much like my life now. It was not at all what I had envisioned or planned for myself but it was ok. We actually had fun. A different kind of fun then we wanted but fun none the less. Maybe Sterling gave me these signs to show me this? Maybe he just wanted to get me back in Chicago with his brothers? Maybe seeing the parade would have been too much for the boys and I? I really don't know.

     What I know is that time and time again I am being shown that my life is nothing what I had ever dreamed it would be. But I am still here. I still have life to live. A part of me may have died that day with Sterling but not all of me. I still have children who need to see life can be fun again. I still have a desire somewhere deep within that wants to live and enjoy life again. And Sterling has never left us. We carry him always in our hearts and I would suspect he truly has never left my side.

     I love you Sterling. Always and forever.