Its never easy

   I feel like I am failing at this blog. Finding Hope Without Sterling seems very hard this month. I feel almost like I did when he first died. Shopping is hard again, anxiety is back, my chest is tight, the pain is there and so are the questions I keep playing over and over in my head "how did I not know?" and "should I have known?" Its not a fun place for me to be right now. Yet this time I have a knowing under it all that I will be ok. I know this is temporary. I know now that grief is like an ocean. Sometimes gentle waves lapping at my legs, while other times the waves are huge and knock me down threatening to pull me out to sea.

     I have been told by those who "know" about grief that on Sterling's birthday I did the right thing.  Without really knowing what I was doing I gave myself alone time to talk to Sterling and to cry (good Lord did I cry) on the hour drive in. I got to go and meet with other adults who share my love of a show and meet some actors on that show. Then getting to have a coffee with someone I admire, not just as an actress but for her charity work and for her love of Jesus. I secretly want to be around those who have such a love for Christ because right now I am so darn angry with God for not giving my son back to us. I struggle with this often. I really try hard not to be so angry as I know its not healthy for me or my boys. Yet I continue to struggle with it.

     I see Sterling's death as a scene of a movie. Follow me here. I know somewhere deep within my soul that God is here, he always has been and always will be. I know he didn't "take" Sterling from me, as our children have always belonged to Him and are truly just on loan. I know this. So I feel like there is an ending I don't know about yet. I don't like this twist in my life, I want a re-write!! But God knows, He has a plan. The more I fight it, the more I am stuck in the wishing I could go back and change something I can't, the longer it will take me to see what God has planned for me and my family.

      So I keep looking for gifts from Sterling. I keep talking to God. I keep seeking out people who I admire so I can watch, I can listen, I can learn. My favorite bible passage is this :  "...once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."

Proverbs 24:12

 

     I feel like I know more now. I cannot just sit back and pretend I don't. I have to go out into the world and use what God has given me in a positive way. Sterling was a gift both in life and in death. I cannot pretend anything else. He taught me so much in his short time on this earth. And now I must keep moving forward. I must keep telling others about him. About how children over the age of 1 can just go to sleep and never wake up. How a child can have a life threatening heart defect yet look so flipping healthy. How doctors are smart but they are not God.

     I know that when I trust fully in God, in there being more to this life than I can ever fully understand. That is when I have a peace in my heart unlike any other. Sterling was not an accident. He was perfection. His life and his death were exactly as they were supposed to be. Hard for me to fully accept, especially when I live in a culture where it feels like we control so  much. Its hard to trust someone we have no concrete evidence exists. But somewhere deep within my soul I know Sterling is with Him and one day I will be too.