Friday, May 31, 2013

Summer Dreams......

     The year Sterling was born I hired a landscaper. I wanted our backyard to be something the boys and I could enjoy all summer. I had it sodded. A new swing set was put up. I have allergies so I decided it was worth the money to have them mow and do the clean ups. I was so looking forward to the following summer (last summer 2012) of watching my five boys run and play in our yard.

     Last summer was hot and dry and the sod needed more tending then I could manage. Just going out in my backyard was a reminder of what I had dreamed of never becoming a reality. The landscapers would come and want to talk to me about what we could do to save the grass but I could barely listen. Our yard paid the price.

      In the spring and summer and fall of 2011 they would come and Sterling would always be on my hip. Always. Seeing them now would make me think of him in my arms and how he wasn't anymore. Some days the guys would knock on my door to ask me a question and I wouldn't even be able to open the door to them. Too painful.

     Today I called them. I spoke with them. They are at my house doing a Spring cleanup and I actually spoke with them. Today  I am excited about what my yard and home can look like again. I am hopeful for many summer days spent grilling and playing with my boys. It still stings to know that Sterling isn't here to run and play and enjoy it with us physically. But I know as long as his bubbas and I are breathing Sterling is here.

     Always and forever.......

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

"And a thousand other little things I miss with him gone..."

     There are days when the pain of losing Sterling is so strong that it takes all I have to simply get out of my bed in the morning. Today was one of those days. I miss my baby. I miss him so much I think I will make a list tonight.

1. I miss looking into his giant, love filled brown eyes every day.
2. I miss kissing his chubby cheeks.
3. Who am I kidding? I miss kissing his chubby hands, his chubby feet, his chubby neck and budha belly. I miss kissing and snuggling Sterling every day.
4. I miss hearing him laugh.
5. I miss seeing his big smile.
6. I miss watching him learn new things.
7. I miss his personality (he was a lovable little stinker who loved to tease and was a big Momma's boy).
8. I miss watching his big bubbas love on him and he on them.
9. I miss hearing him trying to talk and learning new words.
10. I miss playing with his hair while he slept in my arms.
11. I miss feeling the weight of him sleeping on my chest.
12. I miss listening to the cadence of his sleeping breath.
13. I miss his hugs. He would pat me on the back and squeeze me right before he would grab my cheeks and give me a big, slobbery kiss.
14. I miss family pictures with five boys.
15. I miss family outings with five boys.
16. I miss leaving the room only to hear him crawling as fast as possible behind me saying "Mom!"
17. I miss his excited face when I came back in the room as he held his hands in the air and said "up"
18. I miss his smell. His sweet, sweet smell of fruit bites and formula and baby sweat and drool.
19. I miss worrying if I was enough for him.
20. I miss our snuggle time at night as I would sing him to sleep.
21. I miss that if I didn't sing him to sleep he would hum himself to sleep.
22. I miss how friendly he was, just as long as he was safe in my arms.

     My list could go on and on and on....I haven't even gotten to the things I miss that he had yet to do. I miss my little guy so much that I feel like I could explode. Today I felt like the water was beginning to rise on me. I felt like I was struggling to keep my nose out of the water and just breath. I think I did ok. I took care of the little people in my life. We played. We laughed. We enjoyed life. Thank God for them.

     And just as we went outside into the sunshine a beautiful white butterfly flew right in our path. He fluttered around and my boys yelled "Sterling!! We love you too Bubba!" I couldn't help but smile. What I would give to see a 2 1/2 year old Sterling running around with his bubbas....

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Soul Connections

     Trying to put into words what I witnessed today. Its hard. Its painful. I just want to cry. I want to scream and shout "WHY OUR FAMILY?! WHY MY BOYS?! Why do we have to live with the pain of living with the death of our beloved Sterling??" Yet my mind goes to the wonderful connection my now 5 year old had and continues to have with Sterling. A connection that left me and continues to leave me in awe.

     Sterling and Silas had a connection that the other brothers at times were jealous of. Silas could make Sterling belly laugh by just looking at him and smiling. One of my most favorite memories was just a few weeks before Sterling died. We were driving into Chicago to see Mickey and Minnie Mouse turn on the lights on Michigan Ave. In the backseat as I was driving Silas would just look at Sterling and say "Hey!" and Sterling would laugh so deep. It was that from the tips of his toes all the way up to the top of his head laugh. Then they both just would sit and stare into each others eyes, speaking volumes without saying a word, even holding hands as Sterling fell asleep.

     I always called the two of them my 2 1/2 year apart twins. It was like they were two halves to the same soul. Their connection left me in awe. And when Sterling died and Silas tried waking him up at the visitation....... when he realized he couldn't.......when I had to explain again to my then 3 1/2 year old that his baby brother didn't have any breath, that was the night Silas became very ill. His little body would alternate between moaning and crying and sleeping. He was held by several people at the memorial. I was terrified that Silas was dying too.

     I normally don't post pictures but I have to post this side by side one. Silas with Sterling on one side and today holding our friend's baby. It breaks my heart that my baby has to know this pain. I think at times Silas' grief has been so intense it even scared me.

                                              



     Yet I am forever grateful for Sterling. Forever grateful that we got to have thirteen months, two weeks and six days with him. Grateful that Silas, and all my children, were able to have a baby brother they absolutely adored. Silas and Sterling have taught me that love is eternal. I truly believe those two souls have known and loved each other for many, many years. I cannot wait until we are all reunited and I might have some answers of why?

     But until then I will hold onto the love and the light that was and forever will be Sterling. He is loved and he is missed. Always and forever. And as Silas told us the other night "Sterling lives just beyond those clouds now but he can come see us whenever he wants." Love truly is eternal.