Soul Connections

     Trying to put into words what I witnessed today. Its hard. Its painful. I just want to cry. I want to scream and shout "WHY OUR FAMILY?! WHY MY BOYS?! Why do we have to live with the pain of living with the death of our beloved Sterling??" Yet my mind goes to the wonderful connection my now 5 year old had and continues to have with Sterling. A connection that left me and continues to leave me in awe.

     Sterling and Silas had a connection that the other brothers at times were jealous of. Silas could make Sterling belly laugh by just looking at him and smiling. One of my most favorite memories was just a few weeks before Sterling died. We were driving into Chicago to see Mickey and Minnie Mouse turn on the lights on Michigan Ave. In the backseat as I was driving Silas would just look at Sterling and say "Hey!" and Sterling would laugh so deep. It was that from the tips of his toes all the way up to the top of his head laugh. Then they both just would sit and stare into each others eyes, speaking volumes without saying a word, even holding hands as Sterling fell asleep.

     I always called the two of them my 2 1/2 year apart twins. It was like they were two halves to the same soul. Their connection left me in awe. And when Sterling died and Silas tried waking him up at the visitation....... when he realized he couldn't.......when I had to explain again to my then 3 1/2 year old that his baby brother didn't have any breath, that was the night Silas became very ill. His little body would alternate between moaning and crying and sleeping. He was held by several people at the memorial. I was terrified that Silas was dying too.

     I normally don't post pictures but I have to post this side by side one. Silas with Sterling on one side and today holding our friend's baby. It breaks my heart that my baby has to know this pain. I think at times Silas' grief has been so intense it even scared me.

                                              

     Yet I am forever grateful for Sterling. Forever grateful that we got to have thirteen months, two weeks and six days with him. Grateful that Silas, and all my children, were able to have a baby brother they absolutely adored. Silas and Sterling have taught me that love is eternal. I truly believe those two souls have known and loved each other for many, many years. I cannot wait until we are all reunited and I might have some answers of why?

     But until then I will hold onto the love and the light that was and forever will be Sterling. He is loved and he is missed. Always and forever. And as Silas told us the other night "Sterling lives just beyond those clouds now but he can come see us whenever he wants." Love truly is eternal.