"And a thousand other little things I miss with him gone..."

     There are days when the pain of losing Sterling is so strong that it takes all I have to simply get out of my bed in the morning. Today was one of those days. I miss my baby. I miss him so much I think I will make a list tonight.

1. I miss looking into his giant, love filled brown eyes every day.
2. I miss kissing his chubby cheeks.
3. Who am I kidding? I miss kissing his chubby hands, his chubby feet, his chubby neck and budha belly. I miss kissing and snuggling Sterling every day.
4. I miss hearing him laugh.
5. I miss seeing his big smile.
6. I miss watching him learn new things.
7. I miss his personality (he was a lovable little stinker who loved to tease and was a big Momma's boy).
8. I miss watching his big bubbas love on him and he on them.
9. I miss hearing him trying to talk and learning new words.
10. I miss playing with his hair while he slept in my arms.
11. I miss feeling the weight of him sleeping on my chest.
12. I miss listening to the cadence of his sleeping breath.
13. I miss his hugs. He would pat me on the back and squeeze me right before he would grab my cheeks and give me a big, slobbery kiss.
14. I miss family pictures with five boys.
15. I miss family outings with five boys.
16. I miss leaving the room only to hear him crawling as fast as possible behind me saying "Mom!"
17. I miss his excited face when I came back in the room as he held his hands in the air and said "up"
18. I miss his smell. His sweet, sweet smell of fruit bites and formula and baby sweat and drool.
19. I miss worrying if I was enough for him.
20. I miss our snuggle time at night as I would sing him to sleep.
21. I miss that if I didn't sing him to sleep he would hum himself to sleep.
22. I miss how friendly he was, just as long as he was safe in my arms.

     My list could go on and on and on....I haven't even gotten to the things I miss that he had yet to do. I miss my little guy so much that I feel like I could explode. Today I felt like the water was beginning to rise on me. I felt like I was struggling to keep my nose out of the water and just breath. I think I did ok. I took care of the little people in my life. We played. We laughed. We enjoyed life. Thank God for them.

     And just as we went outside into the sunshine a beautiful white butterfly flew right in our path. He fluttered around and my boys yelled "Sterling!! We love you too Bubba!" I couldn't help but smile. What I would give to see a 2 1/2 year old Sterling running around with his bubbas....