A letter to Sterling on his 3rd birthday.....

Dearest Sterling,

     Today you turn 3. I can't believe it! Three years ago I had begun getting this feeling. It was kind of like a little voice saying "another baby would be nice" even though I had tried so hard to convince myself that I was done. A grown daughter and four young sons was good. But then the nesting started. I know that's what it was now. Three years ago I just wanted to clean everything up and felt a little anxious.

     On October 15 I got a call. They were just letting me know you had been born and I think feeling me out. Quickly the words came out of my mouth "how soon can I see him!" I will never forget going up there and seeing you laying there all alone in the nursery. Your little arm in a diaper because you had an IV. I immediately picked you up. You opened your eyes and in that instant I knew you were my son. I knew when I got the call but seeing you just, well my heart was now yours forever.

     You looked like your bubbas. As you would grow and change I could see each one of them in you more and more. You were the perfect blend of them. You had the best personality! Very Zen. Rarely were you upset. Only when you wanted me and couldn't would you fuss. You and I were very connected on a level that I find hard to explain sometimes. You had that connection with Silas too.

     He was only 2 1/2 when you were born. You looked most like him too. I called you my twins because you just had this bond that your other brothers were sometimes jealous of.  I fell in love on a whole other level watching your bubbas fall in love with you. Starting that first day I brought you home from the hospital. They had waited in the van with Grammy while I went up to spring you. They could barely contain themselves as we got closer. I loved sharing you with them.

     I enjoyed every moment we had together here on Earth. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. I never thought I could live without you, sweet boy. Its been hard. I can't believe you left your body almost 2 years ago. I can't believe our family has survived. I can't believe I ever thought you left me. You didn't. You have been here all along.

     I long to hold you like I used to. But there are nights when I smell you, have a memory flash right before my eyes of you, of your smile. And then I feel you in my arms. I close my eyes and I feel you sitting in my lap, your head on my chest. We rock in the rocking chair and I get to feel you again. I would give anything for your death to be some nightmare I can wake up from. But I can't. And I am so grateful for those moments I got to have with you.

     This year the babies born today at the same hospital you were will go home with a Lovey and a little education on CHD's. They are beautiful and soft! You would love them!! And the designs are giraffes!! Just like your favorite Sophie!! I would love to be having your birthday party Sterling. I would love to be overspending and spoiling you today. Instead the babies who share your birthday will get a little gift. We also donated a few bags of new socks and underwear to the homeless kids in our community in your honor. And tonight our family will once again be letting some lanterns go. The weather is much better tonight then last year so I am super excited to see them all light up the night sky for you.

     You were and are an amazing son. I always felt so lucky to be your mom. I miss you. I miss everything about you. But I know you never left me. Please come visit me in my dreams again soon sweet boy. You are loved and you are missed, always and forever......

                    Love,

                    Mom

Capture Your Giref: Day 3 Myths

     There are so many myths associated with grieving. So many. I heard I would never be happy again. My life was over. The one that hurt the most was hearing that I should be happy that my son was with God now. That I shouldn't question God. That He has a higher plan and I should be happy and content in that belief.

     I question everything now. I don't believe my son is in some far off place with God. mainly because I don't believe God is in some far off place. I believe my son and God are everywhere. And that includes right here with me.

     I feel Sterling in the cool Fall breeze just as I felt him in the warm summer winds. I see him in the beauty of each changing season. I feel him everywhere. I see him in his brother's faces. Hear him in their laughter. When a butterfly circles around us and seems to kiss us. When the birds stop and seem to stare right into our eyes and hold it for what feels like forever. And when I close my eyes I can feel my baby in my arms. I feel his head resting on my chest. I swear I can hear him breathing at times.

     I truly feel God is around me too. God is in the beauty of this wonderful Earth He created. And I think God can handle my questions. He can handle my hurt feelings and my anger. My son is dead. I will question everything until I don't need to anymore.

Capture your Giref: Day 2 Identity

      Sterling Isaac is my son's name. He is my fifth son and I had a hard time finding the perfect name for him. Sterling was a name I had contemplated using for his older brother. I am so grateful I didn't because it really fit his personality well. Finding a middle name was much harder and I prayed often over what middle name my son should have. During one of these moments with Sterling in my arms the name Isaac came to me. As I looked down and my perfect baby sleeping in my arms I whispered "Sterling Isaac" and knew that was his name.

     Sterling means "of the highest quality" and Isaac is "one who laughs." I never really looked up the meaning of either until after Sterling died. I remember a friend emailing me and telling me how perfect his name was for him because he had the biggest, brightest smile and was such a happy baby. She was right. Sterling smiled often and feely and everyone, especially if he was in my arms. The world was always a great place from Mom's arms.

     Sterling had the biggest brown eyes that would just draw anyone and everyone in. People gravitated to him and would comment on his eyes and his smile. He was so loved by his siblings and he knew it. He would just make a little "ugh" sound and they would come running with "what do you need Bubba?!" and Sterling would smile and giggle. It was always such a treat for me to watch my children dote on him. Sterling made me fall in love with each one of my children all over again each time I watched the love and care between them.

     Sterling was chunky and funny and happy and amazing. He was the perfect baby of the family. Very Zen in nature. He was happy as long as Mommy was holding him or nearby while he explored his world. He rarely fussed unless he didn't feel well or if he was hungry or needed to be changed. Sterling was and will always be, Love.