There are so many myths associated with grieving. So many. I heard I would never be happy again. My life was over. The one that hurt the most was hearing that I should be happy that my son was with God now. That I shouldn't question God. That He has a higher plan and I should be happy and content in that belief.
I question everything now. I don't believe my son is in some far off place with God. mainly because I don't believe God is in some far off place. I believe my son and God are everywhere. And that includes right here with me.
I feel Sterling in the cool Fall breeze just as I felt him in the warm summer winds. I see him in the beauty of each changing season. I feel him everywhere. I see him in his brother's faces. Hear him in their laughter. When a butterfly circles around us and seems to kiss us. When the birds stop and seem to stare right into our eyes and hold it for what feels like forever. And when I close my eyes I can feel my baby in my arms. I feel his head resting on my chest. I swear I can hear him breathing at times.
I truly feel God is around me too. God is in the beauty of this wonderful Earth He created. And I think God can handle my questions. He can handle my hurt feelings and my anger. My son is dead. I will question everything until I don't need to anymore.
Sterling is an amazing 13 month old who stopped breathing during his nap as a result of multiple congenital heart defects that had gone undiagnosed. Life as I knew it was over. The pain excrutiating. I often felt like I had died that day too. Slowly I began to see the gifts of Sterling. Follow me as my boys and I find new purpose in our lives. Watch as Sterling continues to do amazing things through each one of us. Always and Forever sweet boy.
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