A letter to Sterling on his 3rd birthday.....

Dearest Sterling,

     Today you turn 3. I can't believe it! Three years ago I had begun getting this feeling. It was kind of like a little voice saying "another baby would be nice" even though I had tried so hard to convince myself that I was done. A grown daughter and four young sons was good. But then the nesting started. I know that's what it was now. Three years ago I just wanted to clean everything up and felt a little anxious.

     On October 15 I got a call. They were just letting me know you had been born and I think feeling me out. Quickly the words came out of my mouth "how soon can I see him!" I will never forget going up there and seeing you laying there all alone in the nursery. Your little arm in a diaper because you had an IV. I immediately picked you up. You opened your eyes and in that instant I knew you were my son. I knew when I got the call but seeing you just, well my heart was now yours forever.

     You looked like your bubbas. As you would grow and change I could see each one of them in you more and more. You were the perfect blend of them. You had the best personality! Very Zen. Rarely were you upset. Only when you wanted me and couldn't would you fuss. You and I were very connected on a level that I find hard to explain sometimes. You had that connection with Silas too.

     He was only 2 1/2 when you were born. You looked most like him too. I called you my twins because you just had this bond that your other brothers were sometimes jealous of.  I fell in love on a whole other level watching your bubbas fall in love with you. Starting that first day I brought you home from the hospital. They had waited in the van with Grammy while I went up to spring you. They could barely contain themselves as we got closer. I loved sharing you with them.

     I enjoyed every moment we had together here on Earth. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. I never thought I could live without you, sweet boy. Its been hard. I can't believe you left your body almost 2 years ago. I can't believe our family has survived. I can't believe I ever thought you left me. You didn't. You have been here all along.

     I long to hold you like I used to. But there are nights when I smell you, have a memory flash right before my eyes of you, of your smile. And then I feel you in my arms. I close my eyes and I feel you sitting in my lap, your head on my chest. We rock in the rocking chair and I get to feel you again. I would give anything for your death to be some nightmare I can wake up from. But I can't. And I am so grateful for those moments I got to have with you.

     This year the babies born today at the same hospital you were will go home with a Lovey and a little education on CHD's. They are beautiful and soft! You would love them!! And the designs are giraffes!! Just like your favorite Sophie!! I would love to be having your birthday party Sterling. I would love to be overspending and spoiling you today. Instead the babies who share your birthday will get a little gift. We also donated a few bags of new socks and underwear to the homeless kids in our community in your honor. And tonight our family will once again be letting some lanterns go. The weather is much better tonight then last year so I am super excited to see them all light up the night sky for you.

     You were and are an amazing son. I always felt so lucky to be your mom. I miss you. I miss everything about you. But I know you never left me. Please come visit me in my dreams again soon sweet boy. You are loved and you are missed, always and forever......

                    Love,

                    Mom