Answers...

     It took nearly eight months after Sterling died to get some answers as to what took him from us. I will never forget that warm July day when the phone rang and I saw the number. The blood drained from my body as I listened to the coroner tell me that my beautiful baby boy had "multiple congenital heart defects" and that his cause of death would be listed as "natural." I began shaking and crying. Not the small, keep it quiet cry. No, I had that primal, from deep within sobbing. Sterling was thirteen months old. Sterling was chubby and healthy and one of the littlest loves of my life. What could possibly be "natural" about his death?

     I did what I have learned to do. I allowed myself to cry, to question, to be angry and to feel whatever I needed to feel. I was told there was nothing I could have done to prevent his death. I began looking into congenital heart defects and I was stunned. 1 in every 100 births have a CHD. Its underfunded and its not researched at the level as other childhood diseases. I also learned there are 35 known defects and was asked by other CHD moms which ones Sterling had. I didn't know. I was scared to find out. Why? I really don't know.

     Yesterday I finally called and asked for the names of Sterling's CHD's. Today I got a page full. I originally counted nine but I think there are eight. I am trying to google and learn what they all mean. Could he have been tested with any kind of test and could they have been detected and would Sterling still be here if they had been? Does his birth history play any role? Are his bubbas at risk? I  am trying not to let the fear consume me. But it terrifies me that his little heart could have so much wrong with it and yet he looked so healthy.

     February 7-14 is Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week. I will definitely make sure I do my part and spread awareness. I will focus on doing that and in doing so find Hope that Sterling's death was not in vain. Sterling will educate others through me and through his bubbas. Please remember Sterling during CHD awareness week. If you have a Facebook page post a fact about CHD's. If you blog maybe do a blog post raising awareness. If you can sneak it into a conversation please do so.

     Sterling was and is Love. Its the one and only thing that has helped me to see the light again. Sterling knew he was loved. Its in his eyes in every picture I have. It can even be heard in his voice in the videos I have. Sterling was doted on by his big brothers, or as he called them his "bubbas."  He was a Momma's boy through and through. Sterling was and is Love. And my soul knows he has returned to a place of Love unlike any other. I just miss him so much.....