"Me too"

     Today while getting the boys ready for school I noticed something shiny in my 9 year old's ear. He has Autism and he needs constant supervision. A quick look in his ear and I see a bead. So I decide to take him to immediate care figuring we will be done in an hour and off to school he will go. Oh, to be so lucky.

     They got us in quickly. They got the bead out quickly. As they get it he says "there's another one in there. Its green." The doctor looks in and sure enough, there is another one!! And its deep. He is fighting us now. We try for a few hours, with breaks in between so he could calm down. It was ugly. He punched me. I struggled to help hold him down. And they couldn't get it out. So they sent us to the emergency room.

     This is the same emergency room where Sterling was taken on December 1, 2011. Its big though. So at first we were put were non-emergency patients are. No where near that room. But they couldn't get it either. And so they send us back to the more serious area. And my body knew. I could feel it. I just knew I was near that room where Sterling's heart started after 45 minutes of working on him. I began to cry. Not hard, thankfully. So the staff really had no idea. They thought I was upset about my 9 year old.

     As I sat with my son, my mind kept flashing to seeing my baby on that gurney.  I kept seeing me rush into the room and beg him to stay. All the sounds, all the smells. I couldn't stop remembering that December day. My soul hurt. I sat with my living son, holding him and trying to keep him calm. While my heart kept racing and my body shivered remembering my angel son. A rough day.

     At the end of our time in the emergency room we were told he needed to be seen by ENT. They were not going to be able to get the bead out without sedation. Its deep in his ear. There is a lot of blood. There may even be hearing loss. We won't know for certain until after surgery and healing and testing.

     But I decided that I was going to take away the power of that hospital emergency room. I decided it wasn't going to have any more power over me. Sterling isn't in that room anymore. The worst thing that could happen already did. So as we were leaving I went to that room. I stood at the doorway. I stared until it didn't take my breath away anymore.  Then I quietly walked out of the hospital with my son. Got in my car. And sobbed. And he began tearing up as well. And I told him. I told him I was sad because that is where Sterling was. That is where Sterling died. I told him I was crying because I just miss him so much. And my Autistic 9 year old, who some "experts" say isn't capable of grieving. Well, tears in his eyes he whispered "yes me too."

     We then went home. Ate some food. And I worked out hard with my trainer and then in Zumba class. I still have no idea where the energy came from. But this Momma is beat and ready to get some rest now.