Run

     Its getting closer. I can feel it again. Its that fight or flight response. I can feel the way my whole body just wants to run. I want to run and hide. I want to find somewhere "safe" to keep my family. I want to escape reality. I want to go back to a time when life had order. I want Sterling back.

     I have been doing so "well" as others would say. I can go to Target without wearing my sunglasses to hide the tears. I can be around other babies without wanting the floor to open up and consume me. I can even drive into Chicago, a place with so many wonderful memories of beautiful moments with ALL of my boys, without feeling like I want to die. I am seeing the gifts Sterling is still giving all of us. I guess one could say I am beginning to live again. So why am I feeling this massive desire to run?

     My best guess is that I am in the last few weeks of being able to say "last year at this time Sterling was ....."  I am getting closer to the one year anniversary of Sterling's death. I am getting closer to the worst days of my life. And I find myself reliving those days again. Over and over again. I have done enough work to know that its my minds way of trying to understand the unimaginable. I know that my mind is working so hard to ease my heart and soul. I know that I cannot protect my kids from everything. I know that running away will not make things better. I know so much now that I just wish I didn't.

     So today as the children nap (another step forward as I am no longer checking on their breathing every two minutes) I will finish this post up and maybe go look at a video of Sterling. I will sit and remember what a beautiful gift he was in life and continues to be in his death. I will imagine Sterling in Heaven where he is walking by now I am sure. I imagine him being able to do anything he wants, eat anything he wants and feeling nothing but love.