Am I going to hell because I seek out meaning in the butterfly?

     I love the idea of religion. I really do. I believe in God, although I have so many questions. I love my friends who have such a blind faith and don't question anything the Bible tells them. I wish I could be more like that. I used to be more like that. But as I have mentioned before, once I held my son's lifeless body in my arms with tears streaming down my face and prayers being said over and over again. Once I heard those prayers were not answered. Once my heart shattered into a million pieces. That is when I started questioning.

     My questions come from my pain and my anger. I am hurt that my son was not allowed to stay with us. I am angry that I will not get to see him grow up. I hate that my other children have to suffer this pain of losing their beloved baby brother. On top of all of that Sterling was 13 months 2 weeks and 6 days old when he died. I did everything for him. Everything. So my questioning began with where exactly is my little boy? Who is taking care of him? Is he feeling any of this pain like we are? Maybe you think its childish, but those questions consumed me in the beginning.

     As the initial shock and numbness began wearing off my questioning changed.  I wanted to know if God was such a loving God, how could he allow this pain? And unless you are a Mom (or Dad) who has held her child's lifeless body, I am sorry but your answers are worthless to me. When you say "I can't even imagine your pain" you really have no idea. Its something I have tried and tried to express and yet I just can't. The closest I can say is that physically I felt like someone took a jagged knife and literally gutted me. I physically and emotionally have felt pain so severe my whole body shook for weeks. WEEKS. And still to this day when I am talking about his death I will get cold and begin shaking again. I can feel myself physically start to go into the fetal position at times.

     So forgive me if I question God. I am sure He understands my pain. I am sure if he is the loving parent that I believe he is, He will forgive me for looking for signs and for seeking meaning in life the way I do now. He will surely allow me to see that butterfly as a sign from Sterling. Or that bird that just sits and stares into our eyes now. Or that scent of Sterling that rests so gently on my chest late at night when the house is sleeping. I am sure God allows these things for me because without them I am sure I would not be here right now. Without these signs I am sure Sterling's Bubbas would not be smiling as much.

     I respect other people's religious beliefs. I would never try to make you believe what I do. I am sure those who tell me not to seek out a relationship with Sterling today only mean well. But I need to feel my son. I have questions for God. For those who just don't get it, I honestly hope you never do. For if you understand, then you have lived when your child has died. And this pain, this agony I deal with everyday...I wish it on no one.

     One last little note: I wake up each day choosing HOPE. In that hope is a BELIEF that love is eternal. That I will see my sweet Sterling again. That, although God is allowing this unimaginable pain for my family and I, we still praise him. We still believe in Him even when it seems we don't because of our questions. To quote Tom Zuba "the death of a loved one cracks us open, its supposed to."

Hitting a wall here....

     I hurt my ankle last week while working out at a boot camp in the park. It has forced me to slow down and accept help again. Both of these things are what I had to do when Sterling died. Only at that time I was in such excruciating pain that I just went through the motions.

     This time, while in some pain, the pain of my ankle is no where comparable to the pain I felt with Sterling. In fact most things that are painful really don't slow me down the way they used to. But when its your ankle and that is what you need to walk....well I was forced to slow down a bit. Which forced me to again deal with some grief.

     I was told early on by a professional that because I still have 4 small children to care for my grieving will be done in shifts. I will grieve then have to care for kids and then come back to the grief again. This will prolong the process but its necessary. I have worked hard these last 18 months to make time for my grief. I know if I don't it will hit me when I least expect it, usually when we are out and around a lot of people.

     My exercise has been a great release of built up grief. For me that is a mix of anger, sadness and guilt. So exercising releases that and allows me to still feel the sadness without so much of the anger. Its been a wonderful thing for me. Until I hurt my ankle. I am not able to push my physical body to the level I was before. Which is not really getting the anger out.

     I have been miserable. I have had to find other ways of releasing it. For me that just isn't as good. Today it just all slammed into me. Once again I feel trapped and helpless. The same feelings I felt from the first moment I picked Sterling's lifeless body up and laid him down to do CPR. The same feelings I felt in the PICU and for weeks after. I hate it. And for those who just don't understand it they think I am being "whiny" or just need to get over it.

     My working out has given me back some control. Not being able to work out is making me feel like I have lost that yet again. I know I will heal. I know I can start again. I know. I know. I know. But in the meantime I am sitting with these feelings and I hate every single second of it. I wonder if I will ever learn to let go of things and just be? Obviously its a lesson I need to learn....

     The boys and I had a wonderful summer day. Part lazy and part fun. A perfect summer mix. A few years ago I would have fallen fast asleep by now. No worries. Just a lovely end to a lovely day. Tonight I am exhausted and yet I sit awake thinking about things I wish I didn't know.

     Tonight driving home my daughter asks me how something can be here one moment and gone the next. She wants to know how in just an instant someone can be gone forever from this world. I tell her I struggle with those questions everyday.

     She and I can still so vividly see Sterling the night before. He was playing and smiling and waved bye bye to his sister as she left. In an instant he was gone. She and I both struggle with that. In an instant everything can change so drastically. How do we live each day fully knowing in an instant it can be over?

One day I hope others understand this.....

     There are little gifts in grief. I always see them as Sterling's everlasting love. One of the big ones is that I have some small glimpses of myself through his eyes. In my son's eyes I was superwoman. I was the funniest, smartest, greatest, bestest Mommy ever. Through his eyes I can see that I deserve to be loved. Period.

     This has caused some issues with family members who were used to me doing whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it. This "new" woman (and I say that loosely because she was always there waiting to be discovered) doesn't allow others to dictate her life anymore. I still believe in helping others as much as I can but I won't completely ignore my own needs anymore.

     I was just told that my working out was not as important as someones job. I was told that I should be able to skip days of working out in order to help this other person out. I was told that her job was more important. I beg to differ.

     Yes its true I don't get paid for working out (although that would SO rock!!). I actually PAY someone else for the privilege of using their facility and I also PAY someone to keep me on track.

     BUT, and this is a BIG one here! I FEEL so much better working out. Grief takes a huge toll on ones body. I know its been 18 months and some people think I should be back to the old me already. But that old me? She is gone! She died with Sterling. What was left was a body that felt gutted and in physical, excruciating pain. Every. Single. Day. I was weak. I was broken.

     What working out has done for me is simple yet complex all at once. It has given me strength. Strength to face my grief. Strength to not only survive again but thrive! I don't feel gutted anymore. When I am having a grief burst I can ride them out because I know it is necessary and I am strong enough. I know I will come out of it stronger.

     Working out is an amazing thing for this grieving parent. When I don't do it I feel it everywhere, physically and mentally. My counselors have seen a change in me. My friends have seen a change in me. Its a gift that Sterling has given me. I deserve to be happy again. I will help others out but not the way I used to.

     So if you think you are going to come and tell me that I am "addicted" or that my working out is "unhealthy" I ask you to remember back to those days and months before I started working out. I weighed 60 pounds more than I do now. I was tired. Shame on anyone who dares tell another person that something they are doing that not only makes them happy but healthy is wrong.

     

    

A dream? Or a visit from my sweet boy?

     Yesterday as I was shopping alone looking for an outfit for a ladies night out I began feeling this sadness. I was in the van alone and as you may know I use that time to talk out loud to Sterling. I told him that I just wish I was staying home with five boys. I want that more than anything. I told him I was scared that he was forgetting me. I asked him if that was even possible.

     I came home got ready and went out for a ladies night. I had fun. I was glad I went. Sometime in the morning after I had woken up and went back to sleep I had a dream. It was so vivid. So real.

     In this dream I was driving and saw Sterling in someone else's car. I followed them to their house. They took Sterling, who was sleeping, into their house. I asked them if that was him. They got upset and wouldn't let me near him. So I told the boys to make a diversion and I broke into their house and found him in a crib sitting up. He was still the one year old I knew and loved. When he saw me his face lit up! He squealed and smiled and I immediately picked him up and told him how much I missed him.

     In the dream I knew he should be two and a half now. I even commented on it. I questioned if this baby was indeed Sterling. But he hugged me and patted my back just like he used to. He clung to my shirt and wouldn't let me go. He smelled like my baby. So I took him. I put him in the van with his bubbas and we ran.

     When I woke up I was so happy. I almost wonder if Sterling was answering me via this dream. Was he telling me that for him no time has passed? That for him when I see him again he will only feel like he was separated for the time of a nap? Was he telling me he will never forget me just as I will never forget him?

     Its been 18 months since he left his body. 18 months since I held and snuggled him. Yet I can still remember how his chubby thighs feel. How his hugs felt. How he smelled. I will never forget Sterling just as I believe he told me he will never forget me.

     Loving and missing you sweet boy....Always and forever.....