Hitting a wall here....

     I hurt my ankle last week while working out at a boot camp in the park. It has forced me to slow down and accept help again. Both of these things are what I had to do when Sterling died. Only at that time I was in such excruciating pain that I just went through the motions.

     This time, while in some pain, the pain of my ankle is no where comparable to the pain I felt with Sterling. In fact most things that are painful really don't slow me down the way they used to. But when its your ankle and that is what you need to walk....well I was forced to slow down a bit. Which forced me to again deal with some grief.

     I was told early on by a professional that because I still have 4 small children to care for my grieving will be done in shifts. I will grieve then have to care for kids and then come back to the grief again. This will prolong the process but its necessary. I have worked hard these last 18 months to make time for my grief. I know if I don't it will hit me when I least expect it, usually when we are out and around a lot of people.

     My exercise has been a great release of built up grief. For me that is a mix of anger, sadness and guilt. So exercising releases that and allows me to still feel the sadness without so much of the anger. Its been a wonderful thing for me. Until I hurt my ankle. I am not able to push my physical body to the level I was before. Which is not really getting the anger out.

     I have been miserable. I have had to find other ways of releasing it. For me that just isn't as good. Today it just all slammed into me. Once again I feel trapped and helpless. The same feelings I felt from the first moment I picked Sterling's lifeless body up and laid him down to do CPR. The same feelings I felt in the PICU and for weeks after. I hate it. And for those who just don't understand it they think I am being "whiny" or just need to get over it.

     My working out has given me back some control. Not being able to work out is making me feel like I have lost that yet again. I know I will heal. I know I can start again. I know. I know. I know. But in the meantime I am sitting with these feelings and I hate every single second of it. I wonder if I will ever learn to let go of things and just be? Obviously its a lesson I need to learn....