Am I going to hell because I seek out meaning in the butterfly?

     I love the idea of religion. I really do. I believe in God, although I have so many questions. I love my friends who have such a blind faith and don't question anything the Bible tells them. I wish I could be more like that. I used to be more like that. But as I have mentioned before, once I held my son's lifeless body in my arms with tears streaming down my face and prayers being said over and over again. Once I heard those prayers were not answered. Once my heart shattered into a million pieces. That is when I started questioning.

     My questions come from my pain and my anger. I am hurt that my son was not allowed to stay with us. I am angry that I will not get to see him grow up. I hate that my other children have to suffer this pain of losing their beloved baby brother. On top of all of that Sterling was 13 months 2 weeks and 6 days old when he died. I did everything for him. Everything. So my questioning began with where exactly is my little boy? Who is taking care of him? Is he feeling any of this pain like we are? Maybe you think its childish, but those questions consumed me in the beginning.

     As the initial shock and numbness began wearing off my questioning changed.  I wanted to know if God was such a loving God, how could he allow this pain? And unless you are a Mom (or Dad) who has held her child's lifeless body, I am sorry but your answers are worthless to me. When you say "I can't even imagine your pain" you really have no idea. Its something I have tried and tried to express and yet I just can't. The closest I can say is that physically I felt like someone took a jagged knife and literally gutted me. I physically and emotionally have felt pain so severe my whole body shook for weeks. WEEKS. And still to this day when I am talking about his death I will get cold and begin shaking again. I can feel myself physically start to go into the fetal position at times.

     So forgive me if I question God. I am sure He understands my pain. I am sure if he is the loving parent that I believe he is, He will forgive me for looking for signs and for seeking meaning in life the way I do now. He will surely allow me to see that butterfly as a sign from Sterling. Or that bird that just sits and stares into our eyes now. Or that scent of Sterling that rests so gently on my chest late at night when the house is sleeping. I am sure God allows these things for me because without them I am sure I would not be here right now. Without these signs I am sure Sterling's Bubbas would not be smiling as much.

     I respect other people's religious beliefs. I would never try to make you believe what I do. I am sure those who tell me not to seek out a relationship with Sterling today only mean well. But I need to feel my son. I have questions for God. For those who just don't get it, I honestly hope you never do. For if you understand, then you have lived when your child has died. And this pain, this agony I deal with everyday...I wish it on no one.

     One last little note: I wake up each day choosing HOPE. In that hope is a BELIEF that love is eternal. That I will see my sweet Sterling again. That, although God is allowing this unimaginable pain for my family and I, we still praise him. We still believe in Him even when it seems we don't because of our questions. To quote Tom Zuba "the death of a loved one cracks us open, its supposed to."