Yesterday as I was shopping alone looking for an outfit for a ladies night out I began feeling this sadness. I was in the van alone and as you may know I use that time to talk out loud to Sterling. I told him that I just wish I was staying home with five boys. I want that more than anything. I told him I was scared that he was forgetting me. I asked him if that was even possible.
I came home got ready and went out for a ladies night. I had fun. I was glad I went. Sometime in the morning after I had woken up and went back to sleep I had a dream. It was so vivid. So real.
In this dream I was driving and saw Sterling in someone else's car. I followed them to their house. They took Sterling, who was sleeping, into their house. I asked them if that was him. They got upset and wouldn't let me near him. So I told the boys to make a diversion and I broke into their house and found him in a crib sitting up. He was still the one year old I knew and loved. When he saw me his face lit up! He squealed and smiled and I immediately picked him up and told him how much I missed him.
In the dream I knew he should be two and a half now. I even commented on it. I questioned if this baby was indeed Sterling. But he hugged me and patted my back just like he used to. He clung to my shirt and wouldn't let me go. He smelled like my baby. So I took him. I put him in the van with his bubbas and we ran.
When I woke up I was so happy. I almost wonder if Sterling was answering me via this dream. Was he telling me that for him no time has passed? That for him when I see him again he will only feel like he was separated for the time of a nap? Was he telling me he will never forget me just as I will never forget him?
Its been 18 months since he left his body. 18 months since I held and snuggled him. Yet I can still remember how his chubby thighs feel. How his hugs felt. How he smelled. I will never forget Sterling just as I believe he told me he will never forget me.
Loving and missing you sweet boy....Always and forever.....
Sterling is an amazing 13 month old who stopped breathing during his nap as a result of multiple congenital heart defects that had gone undiagnosed. Life as I knew it was over. The pain excrutiating. I often felt like I had died that day too. Slowly I began to see the gifts of Sterling. Follow me as my boys and I find new purpose in our lives. Watch as Sterling continues to do amazing things through each one of us. Always and Forever sweet boy.
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