One day I hope others understand this.....

     There are little gifts in grief. I always see them as Sterling's everlasting love. One of the big ones is that I have some small glimpses of myself through his eyes. In my son's eyes I was superwoman. I was the funniest, smartest, greatest, bestest Mommy ever. Through his eyes I can see that I deserve to be loved. Period.

     This has caused some issues with family members who were used to me doing whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it. This "new" woman (and I say that loosely because she was always there waiting to be discovered) doesn't allow others to dictate her life anymore. I still believe in helping others as much as I can but I won't completely ignore my own needs anymore.

     I was just told that my working out was not as important as someones job. I was told that I should be able to skip days of working out in order to help this other person out. I was told that her job was more important. I beg to differ.

     Yes its true I don't get paid for working out (although that would SO rock!!). I actually PAY someone else for the privilege of using their facility and I also PAY someone to keep me on track.

     BUT, and this is a BIG one here! I FEEL so much better working out. Grief takes a huge toll on ones body. I know its been 18 months and some people think I should be back to the old me already. But that old me? She is gone! She died with Sterling. What was left was a body that felt gutted and in physical, excruciating pain. Every. Single. Day. I was weak. I was broken.

     What working out has done for me is simple yet complex all at once. It has given me strength. Strength to face my grief. Strength to not only survive again but thrive! I don't feel gutted anymore. When I am having a grief burst I can ride them out because I know it is necessary and I am strong enough. I know I will come out of it stronger.

     Working out is an amazing thing for this grieving parent. When I don't do it I feel it everywhere, physically and mentally. My counselors have seen a change in me. My friends have seen a change in me. Its a gift that Sterling has given me. I deserve to be happy again. I will help others out but not the way I used to.

     So if you think you are going to come and tell me that I am "addicted" or that my working out is "unhealthy" I ask you to remember back to those days and months before I started working out. I weighed 60 pounds more than I do now. I was tired. Shame on anyone who dares tell another person that something they are doing that not only makes them happy but healthy is wrong.