Run

     Its getting closer. I can feel it again. Its that fight or flight response. I can feel the way my whole body just wants to run. I want to run and hide. I want to find somewhere "safe" to keep my family. I want to escape reality. I want to go back to a time when life had order. I want Sterling back.

     I have been doing so "well" as others would say. I can go to Target without wearing my sunglasses to hide the tears. I can be around other babies without wanting the floor to open up and consume me. I can even drive into Chicago, a place with so many wonderful memories of beautiful moments with ALL of my boys, without feeling like I want to die. I am seeing the gifts Sterling is still giving all of us. I guess one could say I am beginning to live again. So why am I feeling this massive desire to run?

     My best guess is that I am in the last few weeks of being able to say "last year at this time Sterling was ....."  I am getting closer to the one year anniversary of Sterling's death. I am getting closer to the worst days of my life. And I find myself reliving those days again. Over and over again. I have done enough work to know that its my minds way of trying to understand the unimaginable. I know that my mind is working so hard to ease my heart and soul. I know that I cannot protect my kids from everything. I know that running away will not make things better. I know so much now that I just wish I didn't.

     So today as the children nap (another step forward as I am no longer checking on their breathing every two minutes) I will finish this post up and maybe go look at a video of Sterling. I will sit and remember what a beautiful gift he was in life and continues to be in his death. I will imagine Sterling in Heaven where he is walking by now I am sure. I imagine him being able to do anything he wants, eat anything he wants and feeling nothing but love.



   

    

presents

     Last year I shopped black Friday online. I cleaned up after Thanksgiving dinner, put the bigger boys to bed and with Sterling in my arms began my search for deals. Its a memory I love. He was so heavy as I tried to type but each time I would lay him down he would wake up crying out for me. I, being completely wrapped around his little finger, hated seeing or hearing him upset so I would pick him up and continue on. I was so proud of all the great deals I got that night.

     Sterling stopped breathing less than a week later. I was numb. I was in shock. I thought at any moment I would wake up from this nightmare and Sterling would be here in my arms again. Yet each day there was something I needed to do. I had to find a funeral home. I had to make arrangements. I had to decide things that no parent ever thinks about. I had to make these decisions while feeling completely and utterly gutted. Yes, I felt like someone took a knife and just gutted me like a fish. I felt raw, it was in the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. And my words are not even describing it well enough.

     Then the boxes started coming. The boxes full of presents for my boys. I remember opening each box and pulling out all the clothes and toys that I had bought for Sterling. Each item I had envisioned seeing Sterling wearing or playing with. Now they were reminders that Sterling was gone. I had even bought each boy a coordinating sweater for family pictures. Now those would be the outfits that they would wear for Sterling's visitation and memorial. There would be no pictures taken at either one. I wish now I had, but that's another post.

     I quickly put all Sterling's Christmas presents in a closet. Out of sight. People had suggested last year that I find a child his age in need and donate them. Someone even asked if  I wanted them to return the items to the store for me. Both options completely freaked me out. Even though Sterling never wore or played with any of it, I had bought all of it for him.

    This year I think the boys and I are going to find someone special to give the toys to. I bought them  to bring a smile to Sterling's face, to my face. Instead when I look at them they are a reminder that he is no longer here the way I want him to be. Who knows, I may even find some things that I think a two year old Sterling would love and give them to another two year boy in need. Maybe this year Sterling will bring joy to a few children? Maybe in doing so his brothers and I will find a little too?

grief

     The thing about grief is that it can be sneaky. Grief can let you have a good day, a good week, I have even heard as time goes on grief will give you a good few weeks in a row. Then without warning it slams into you. It stops you in your tracks and it makes you feel the pain again. I described my grief early on as the waves in an ocean, some gentle and some knocking me down and threatening to pull me under.

     The problem with being so busy this week is that I didn't have much down time to feel all the things I needed to. I realized I didn't even acknowledge that October 15th was when, two years ago, that I met Sterling for the first time. The 16th was when I brought him home. I was so busy caring for my mom (with her surgery), caring for my boys, running my daycare, getting everyone else cared for that I neglected me. I so neglected me that it was a few days before I realized I had not eaten. Grief is sneaky like that. 

     So I will say that another little gift of this journey is that I have really begun to understand the importance of caring for myself. I have always been the one that takes care of others, so I am working on it. Tonight I put my boys to bed and jumped on the computer. I tried to start this post a million times. I wondered if I should even write of my rough week?  Then, and I have no idea why,  I went over to Jen Lilley's YouTube page and watched her clips of when she was on Disaster Date. I laughed so hard I woke my 4 year old up.  With some tension released I came back and finished this post.

     Lesson for the day? It doesn't have to be much, even just a few minutes laughing can help,  but I really need to take time for myself each day. I need to slow down. I need to watch things that make me laugh, I need to really take the time to remember those special Sterling dates, I need to be able to just take a minute and breathe each day. I feel so much better when I do.

Levi

     When Sterling died I felt so alone. I had never really met anyone who lost a child before. I knew they existed but they were always "those people" that I hardly knew and whose stories broke my heart. I would send them a card, pray for them, maybe even donate some money for them. Yet I never really knew them. Now here I was, one of them. As they will tell you we belong to a club you never want to be a part of. A club that you hope never gets a new member. Yet I know now this club is huge, it spans the globe, it knows no race or socioeconomic status. And the hardest part to swallow? New members are added every day.

       Being a grieving parent isn't easy. It can be downright ugly. I knew early on I could let that pain and ugliness take me one of two ways. I could either decide to honor my son's short life or I could choose to give up and be bitter and angry that he was gone. I chose to honor Sterling and I searched out others who felt the same way. In doing so I have met some amazing parents of some amazing children. These parents have taken their pain and have turned it into action. That action can be choosing to get up each day and go back out into the world, working with our federal government to change laws and bring awareness so what took her child will never take another, making screenings that could have saved her child be mandatory to save others. So many amazing stories. So many ways to honor our children.

       One of those I met is Ellie Collom. Her 3 1/2 year old son Levi was healthy, happy and full of life. He died March 18, 2012 suddenly, unexpectedly and they still don't know why. Its called SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death in Children). Levi's family has decided to honor his short life by building an exhibit called  Levi's Adventure Trail which will be an interactive outdoor exhibit in Levi's honor at the Discovery Playhouse Children's Museum in Missouri. They have been raising funds to do this and I have followed their journey on Facebook. I am humbled and amazed at their efforts. I know this will be built and I know this family will continue to do amazing things in Levi's name. I feel blessed to have met Ellie, even if its only been on Facebook. Please take a look at the beautiful Levi and be amazed at the wonderful things his family and friends are doing in his name. https://www.facebook.com/levistephencollomfund

     I have no idea where Sterling's legacy will take me. One thing I know is true, our children are loved and our children are missed. Always and Forever.

    

Sterling is already educating others

     Last night I spoke with a friend. Her son ten months older than Sterling. He had a cough for a week and last night he threw up. Immediately when I hear these things I think of Sterling. Sterling had been under the weather but nothing serious(so we thought). The idea is kids get sick, kids have coughs, kids are so resilient. Sterling has opened my eyes to the scary truth that children die everyday. Sometimes we get answers and sometimes we don't.

     Back to my friend.She said she was taking him in first thing. I asked her to please have the doctor order a chest x-ray as I often wonder if any doctor had looked at Sterling's heart sooner would they have seen how enlarged it was? So I just got the message that her son has pneumonia. The doctor had thought her son just had a cold. She asked for a chest x-ray. Her son has pneumonia. Now he is on medication that will help him, he is being monitored by his doctor. I think we all know pneumonia is much more serious than a cold.

     Today I am choosing to see this as a gift from Sterling. In the beginning I hated these stories because it made me ask why that person gets the miracle and we didn't. But today I look at Sterling and I know he will make a difference. Today I know that not everyone gets the miracle they pray for but that the miracles are still there if we just open our eyes and hearts to see them. And THAT is the miracle we called Sterling. Loving you always, missing you forever sweet boy.

No Coincidences...

         Sterling would have been 2 on the October 13. His first birthday in Heaven. I wasn't sure how I would feel on this day. I had heard the days leading up to a special date are much worse than the actual date. But I had no idea. Over the last 10 months I have felt emotions that have scared me and knocked me to my knees begging God to just please take me home! I have been in excruciating pain and had anger so strong it scared me. So how would I feel on the day my sweet baby boy was born? Could I celebrate the 13 months 2 weeks and 6 days we were blessed to have him? Or would I be once again knocked to my knees in agony because he isn't here?

          Well since Sterling died I have gone back to things that have brought me joy. I had so much joy in my time with Sterling but after he died even going upstairs and sleeping in my own bed and seeing his empty crib was something I couldn't do. I actually slept on an air mattress on my living room floor for over a month. I would send others upstairs to get what I needed. Somehow just seeing his things exactly as they had been that morning, it made it real. And I lived in denial for months. I would literally tell myself he was napping or he was with his Grammy or his sissy or whatever I had to tell myself so I could care for Sterling's brothers. At night, when everyone was asleep, during what was always our special snuggle time, that's when slowly the reality that Sterling was never coming home began to sink in. That's when I would beg God, that he being God He could do anything, and through my tears and sobbing I would beg Him to please give him back. Just let us have him back now. Slowly I began watching television shows that I loved again. And even if it was just for an hour everyday I could escape my excruciating pain for that hour. I started with a show that I have watched since I was 15, General Hospital.

         Now back to coincidences. Facebook and Twitter connected me to people who either helped me with my grieving process or helped me escape it every now and then. On Twitter I met some awesome GH fans who shared my love of the soap. I also would randomly tweet to the actors/actresses and was absolutely amazed that they would occasionally tweet me back or favorite my comment. Through doing this I heard about some GH actresses coming to Chicago on, wait for it, Sterling's 2nd birthday! Wow! I had gone to events before but always in California and had stopped once I had the boys as it was too difficult to find people I trusted to watch them and I actually never really left them for more than a day so there was just no way I was going to leave my boys behind. I honestly never missed it as I so enjoyed being a mom and unless I could bring them rarely did anything. I went back and forth on it but had a dream one night and woke up feeling like Sterling was telling me it was ok to have fun again, it was ok to leave his brothers with a responsible adult and go have fun again. So I bought the ticket.

         Driving in to Chicago I cried so much at times I thought I may have to pull over. But I went on as I talked to God and to Sterling. I can only imagine what other drivers thought! I found out I won a coffee date with the amazing Jen Lilley! So excited! Not that the character she played on GH was a favorite but I enjoyed watching Jen play her anyway. And as I learned more about this actress I saw that she has Faith, she gives back, she seemed like a genuinely great woman. As I read about her I remember thinking "This is an amazing woman, I hope to meet her one day." Now here it was October 13th the day Sterling came into this world. And I was actually going to be able to go to meet her. Was this simply a coincidence?

        There are no coincidences. Not only Jen but everyone from that day was great! So nice. Looked at Sterling's picture. As any grieving parent knows we love it so much when others acknowledge our children no longer on this earth. The day was a blur of fun. Driving home I realized that this was another gift from Sterling. I never would have gone if he was alive, I was having too much fun with my five boys! And while I would give back every positive thing that has come from his death (new friends, new travels, a fun fan day in Chicago) to just have one more minute with him, I am choosing, right here, right now to embrace my new life. Let it lead me. I may even have joy again from time to time:)